Secret Sunday

So, secret Sunday can be fun. Sometimes though it’s just writing about the things I can’t say aloud. And this Secret Sunday is definitely something I don’t speak of aloud. This Secret Sunday is about something that really is a secret to me. Some people ask and wonder, but for the most part this is just a quiet part of my life. So forgive me if this isn’t well written or entertaining. Dear readers, you are my therapists today.

Here’s one of my real secrets… I like to be tough. You know what? I am tough. I’ve been through some shit in my life and I’ve managed to keep my head up and move forward. Hooray for me! Except, there’s one area of my life where even after years and years of trying, it still remains hard to be tough. Y’all, I wish I had a dad. I mean, I have a dad, someone did indeed father me. But, I’ve always wanted to be one of those girls who was a daddy’s girl. So here I am at 30, and not being one of those girls still hurts me. To the point that after years of not having him in my life I find myself at random times just broken down in tears over this. I feel the emptiness and pain of missing that person, that person who should have been there from the get go. We all know that when it comes to a parent these are the first people who should love you no matter what and to feel like that person doesn’t indeed love you no matter what? Well, that’s a hard pill to swallow no matter your age or how much time you’ve had to deal with it.

It’s not one of those easy stories like one day my dad left, never to be heard from again. More like, my parents divorced, my dad stuck around for awhile and then he just kind of didn’t. And, it’s not that I don’t think my dad loves me. I believe he does. He just hasn’t actively tried to be a part of my life. As I got older, more and more time would go between hearing from him, much less seeing him. Meanwhile I was surrounded by girls who had great dads, dads who supported them and made sure they knew they were loved and stared down boys when they came to take them on dates and checked the oil in their cars and just went out of their way to spend time with them. And let me tell you, being a bit of a tomboy, not having a dad to do things with was even more upsetting to me. Damn if I just didn’t want to have a dad to go to a baseball game with or go fishing with or go see the latest Batman movie with. Luckily, I have an amazing mom who has always done any and all of these things with me. And part of me hates even feeling upset or complaining about the lack of a dad in my life because I do have such a great mom and I would never want her to feel like she wasn’t enough (Mom- when you get a chance to read this from whatever amazing Italian coffee shop you are in, know that you are the bestest mom ever), but I think even she knows that there is a part of me that feels empty. Empty not just for all of the past experiences I missed out on, but empty for the future ones as well. I think about someday getting married…yeah, you know where I’m going with this. Nothing crushes me more than seeing a father-daughter dance. I’m sure if I asked my dad, he’d do it, but the emotion wouldn’t be there. Even before the wedding, I’m such a sucker for tradition that it hurts to know a man will never ask for my father’s hand in marriage, since my father has never actually met anyone I’ve dated (better believe they’ll have to ask my momma though). And don’t get me started on the thought of kids. As much as I hated not having a father figure around, it kills me to think of my kids not having a grandpa (fingers crossed that my future baby daddy has an awesome dad to play grandpa to our tots). There’s just so much that still hurts me. After years to come to terms with all these feelings and toughen up, there’s still so much that creeps through every now and then.

Damn Thalia, if it makes you this sad why not tell him about it instead of the internet? Well, I did just that. A few years ago, after having one of these ‘man it really sucks missing a person you don’t even really know’ type breakdowns, I wrote to my father. I wrote and expressed these feelings and how upsetting it was to me that I was now an adult and he didn’t even know where I worked or had seen where I lived or knew my friends or my hopes and dreams. That I had grown into this whole new person and he didn’t know who that person was. And what’s worse, didn’t seem to be interested in ever changing that. Well, here I am writing about how his absence in my life still affects me, so safe to say my letter to him was not met with a great response. Even though nothing changed, I don’t regret letting that toughness go for long enough to put my disappointment and sadness out there to him. At that point I did give up the last of my hope that our situation would ever change. That part I’ve come to terms with, but it doesn’t stop me from mourning a relationship I will never have.

 

Secret Sunday

And so it returns!

Yesterday I went to see The Conjuring with one of my aunts. I know this movie isn’t everyone’s idea of a good time, but me? I LOVE scary movies. There’s always those first 15 minutes of the movie where I really regret walking into the theatre because it’s dark and I just know something terrible is about to happen on the giant screen in front of me. But I quickly get over it for the entertainment value. Scary movies often make me laugh because of the mass quantities of corn syrup-y blood or ridiculous looking demons and I have a hard time imagining these things truly scare anyone. But then I remember, everyone has something that scares them. Most fears are rational and justifiable- losing loved ones, failing, being alone- you know, those big fears that plague most of us, including me. But fear can come in many forms, even if it’s something irrational, like fake blood being splattered across a screen in a manner in which would probably never happen in real life (I mean, being terrorized by razor toothed fish? Yeah, I’m looking at your Piranha…). So here are those irrational fears for me…

Clowns

I highly doubt this is really an irrational fear since so many people are terrified of these makeup heavy, red wigged wearing creeps. No explanation needed here. Just SCARY.

The Dark

I know, people usually get over this when they’re like eight years old. But for me, it just kind of got worse. Luckily, in a movie theatre the film usually provides enough light to keep me from totally freaking out. But while I’m in bed at night, if the room is too dark for me to not be able to make out everything in it, I usually have to pull out my phone and start perusing the web or something on it or have my kindle out just so the light from it keeps me from getting too anxious. Oh, and making a trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Better believe the lights get turned on in every room I have to go through to get to it, and even weirder? I’m holding my breath until I can get those light switches flipped on.  I’m. A. Wuss.

Being Stabbed

I’m walking down the street, and someone stabs me. Yes, for years I have been terrified of that randomly happening. I know this one weirds people out when I tell them, which could be why I never really make it a point to bring it up (picture me and my finally found Jake Ryan clone on our third date and me dropping the ‘oh yeah, I’m just super terrified of being stabbed, no big deal’ bomb…). I think most people, in general, don’t like the idea of ever being stabbed, but they probably don’t actively fear it. But here’s the deal, many years ago I had a nightmare. I don’t remember the details, but I remember this… my sister was next to me and for some reason she took out a knife and stabbed me in the thigh. Not like viciously or anything, she just did it like it was an everyday occurrence, so in a way the nightmare was kind of (darkly) funny. What wasn’t funny was waking up and remembering what it felt like when that knife pierced my skin. Seriously, that part was terrifying.

Okay, and for something a little less dark and twisted…

The Bottom of the Lake

I can’t even. Y’all, I just can’t deal. The bottom of the ocean kind of terrifies me as well, but for some reason, a lake is just too much. And for as much as I LOVE being out on the lake, this is kind of a problem. The water is dark, you can’t see through it, you have no idea what’s down there…for all you know lurking under all that mud could be DEAD BODIES. Animal bodies, fish bodies, HUMAN BODIES. And your feet could just be there, touching them. AGHHHH! I’m having a physical response to this thought as I type it. Utterly horrifying.

So there you have it, dear readers. You know now all the ways to scare the bajeezus out of me. Now what scares the bajeezus out of you?

 

Secret Sunday

Christmas Edition

It’s been quite some time since I’ve made a Christmas Wish List. Normally the only people I trade gifts with are my mom and a few friends, and it’s always things on the smaller side; music, movies, books, etc., so I haven’t put a whole lot of thought into what I would ask if I could ask for anything. Well, here it is. This is my ultimate dream Christmas Wish List.

1. One Million Dollars

tumblr_m7f16wuxtE1qje4xjo1_500What’s that you say? No one has an extra million laying around to give me? Well crap. On to the next item..

2. Diamond Earrings

I’m not super girly. I don’t accessorize regularly but damn if I don’t want some shiny 2 carat diamond solitaire studs!
pZALE1-8359967t4003. Two weeks all expenses paid vacation at the Four Seasons Resort in Bora Bora

item3.rendition.slideshowWideHorizontal.four-seasons-bora-bora-private-pools Enough said.

4. One full year without stress

I know, this is a weird thing to ask for. How does one make you stress-free? Provide me maids? Money so I don’t have to work? Personal chefs? Personal trainers? Massage therapists on call 24/7?! I’m not sure how this stress-free lifestyle happens, all I know is I would like to spend some time feeling less like this:cathy-comic-stripAnd what I would like more than anything…

5. For the world to become one big dance party

I can’t lie, when I get stressed, I like to dance. Usually it’s me in my bedroom dancing to embarrassing pop music, but regardless, there are times when I just need to dance it out. And how much better would dancing it out be if EVERYONE were dancing it out at all times?!? I have dreams of this! This magical world where people just dance for no damn reason! And it looks a little like this…0WhatUpWithThat_51tumblr_lgp6q5NhE21qcjtu8o1_5001zl92fn23ma42w.jpg280sw00788330075yu908131207_oflash1pr2qyial3.jpgsbtb4sunny2asvtumblr_md6naiEPCk1qgs4sno2_250tumblr_lgbira8pXh1qf8yektumblr_lh3l2z1S8s1qaiufdtumblr_lk54oh7tTt1qeot64tumblr_ll98ofcFwG1qe77yro1_500tumblr_llatbbCeky1qbnthutumblr_m122ufjo5a1qf7kk0o1_400tumblr_md6pzyTsdw1rtcgqyo1_500tumblr_me7kamtGKO1qgs4sno3_250tumblr_mf4r8xEAIv1rv65n0o3_250Happy Holidays, dear readers! Here’s to all your wish list dreams coming true…

Secret Sunday

This Secret Sunday is dedicated to my foray into internet dating. Yes, after many, MANY people have attempting to talk me into this, I have finally given in. I finally put on my big girl pants and figured nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? So, why not. Why not put my personal business out there and see what happens. The worst case scenario is I end up kidnapped and turned into a skin suit (yes, my mind has the capacity to go to some scary places when I am trying to talk myself out of doing something) and the best case is I meet a halfway normal, upstanding gentleman and I enter back into the world of the dating. Given, it’s not exactly how I wanted to meet said upstanding gentleman. I had more romantic notions of meeting someone in a bookstore or grocery store and bonding over going for the last copy of Gillian Flynn’s latest book or a box of Chebe gluten free pizza crusts and then being wooed and courted in a rather romantic fashion, and yes, so maybe I have been picturing Mark Darcy or Matthew Crawley while imaging this, but still… I had a vision in my head of how I wanted my dating life to go, and maybe it was a rather BBC influenced version, but weeding through emails and winks just wasn’t how I ever imagined it. But, growing up is all about learning that things don’t always go as you plan them to and unless I want to be a cat lady who only has date nights with the men of BBC, then maybe weeding through emails from potential beaus (or weirdos) isn’t the worst thing in the world…

In any case here are my initial inner thoughts (and I do mean initial, less than 24 hours type initial) on the world of online dating.

1. Winking is for wankers.

I’m sorry, but the whole winking thing is about as cool as being poked by someone on Facebook, and that’s not cool at all. I’ve been on the site for about 7 hours and there’s already 31random guys virtually closing one eyelid at me (which is what I think of people winking at me  in real life. It just isn’t a sexy act to me).

2. Some people clearly do not know that less is more.

Do I need your whole life story in your About Me statement? No. Leave a little something to the imagination, folks!

3. Posting pictures with old girlfriends.

Just don’t.

4. Grammar/spelling snobs make for the worst online daters.

I very nearly wanted to make my headline, “If you can’t spell and form a sentence, please do not make contact with me!” but then I realized that was a little over the top. But, 12 messages in and over a third of them even look like they are comprised of something other than English. You could be Tom Hardy and it’s likely I wouldn’t reply to a message like that. (Okay, well that’s a blatant lie. If it was Tom Hardy and if in some ridiculous, crazy alternate universe he were seeking me out on a dating website, of course I would reply.)

5. I am a little, just slightly scared.

Online dating always kind of felt like that last resort to me. It wasn’t something I ever wanted to do just for fun, it was more like if I am really ready to see what’s out there and meet someone, maybe I’ll finally do it. So now I’ve done it. And now I am more than a little scared it will result in the same way the rest of my dating attempts have: me still single with my imaginary cat, Mr. Squiggles, watching BBC shows wondering when my Matthew Crawley will come along. Kind of a less than desirable thought, no? But, at the end of the day, it all goes back to that cliche, nothing ventured, nothing gained. If I don’t just suck it up and try something new, than nothing new will ever happen, good or bad. I’m sure, if anything, this will give me plenty of good material for posts here, so stayed tuned, dear readers. More to come in the exciting world of online dating!

Secret Sunday

I think it’s been well established that I’m a bit…peculiar. But in no area is this peculiar-ness more apparent than food. Yes, food. Personally, I think all the things I like and dislike are totally normal and in no way am I a picky eater (this is probably not true, but hey, we all like to think the best of ourselves, right?) but one person who knows me quite well seems to think otherwise and has requested that one of my Secret Sundays address these peculiarities. So, here are a few of my food oddities. (Edit: While I do have my food preferences, if someone is cooking something for me, I will almost always at least try it. For instance, I’m pretty sure Long Distance Lover made me breakfast burritos while I was in Cali that contained, gasp, sausage. But you know what? I ate it and loved it [probably because it was made by a sexy man…and was really spicy. Make anything spicy and I’ll likely enjoy it.].)

1. I hate most all forms of pork.

The clear exception to this is bacon, because everything is better with bacon, but most pork products really gross me out. Sausage patties? Ick. The smell, let alone the taste, could not disgust me more. Oh, and don’t get me started on pork chops. Adding apples to those things do nothing to make them more appetizing in my eye! I will also occasionally eat a ham sandwich, though, or some really delicious, spicy green chili if the pork chunks aren’t too outrageously over-sized.. Oh, and I LOVE hot dogs (but can hot dogs really be considered pork?)

2. I won’t eat meatloaf or meatballs, but I love hamburgers.

I don’t know what it is about ground beef. Put it in hamburger form and I could eat it almost everyday. Have it all ground up in tacos and I won’t touch the things!

3. Fruits.

I like most fruits. What I don’t like is when people insist on putting fruit in dishes other than fruit salad or jello or pies. Apples and cranberries in salads? Pineapple on pizza? Mandarin oranges in pasta? NO! Stop this madness immediately! And while we’re on the topic of fruit, this is one (of the many) things that alcohol almost always makes better. Orange juice? Eh. Only if I’m sick. But, add some champagne and I’m all about it. Blueberries? Not my bag. Blueberry vodka? Why yes, I’d love some! (The reverse of this is, unfortunately, also true though. Love pears, hate pear vodka.)

4. Love seafood. Love spicy food. Hate Cajun food.

To date, I have never had a Cajun dish that I’ve enjoyed. The same can be said about Indian food. How can it be that something like curry is so spicy and I don’t like it? Even this baffles me!

5. Chicken

Ugh. I love it, I hate, I love it, I have no interest, I hate it, I hate it. It’s a wacky relationship. Baked chicken? Gross! So dry and lacking of flavor. No matter how many different ways I try and dress it up, I just can’t make myself love it. Chicken wings? Swoon! Make ’em spicy and saucy and I’m a happy gal. Fried chicken? If it’s homemade, sure. If it’s KFC? No, thank you. Chicken alfredo, chicken enchiladas, chicken nuggets, chicken salad? Meh. I won’t order those at a restaurant, but if you put it in front of me, I’ll likely take a bite or two. Chicken soup? NO THANK YOU! Not even if I’m sick. In fact, I can think of no dish I’d hate more than if someone made chicken soup, threw in some blueberries and head cheese and made it with a curry broth. Stick that in front of me and you’d have me eating a grilled grasshopper before I even took one whiff of that dish!

Secret Sunday

So this is more of a not-so-secret-Sunday. Last week I wrote about finding music to fit a specific mood and it’s something I’ve been doing for years. Music has always been important to me. It motivates me at the gym, it’s rhythm gets me moving when I need to dance it out, it is loud and fast and hard when I’m working through stressful days, it’s lyrics comfort me when I’m having those nights where I feel like I’m nearing the end of my rope, and more often than not, it’s my road trip companion, never complaining when I sing too loud and slightly off key.

Most days I just throw my iPod on shuffle, but lately I’ve been listening to one specific playlist. It’s twenty or so songs that are getting me through this time of transition, this uncomfortable time when so many things are changing and so many changes need to be made and I find myself stressed and scared and worried I may never achieve all or any of the great ideas I’ve planned for myself all these years and as a person who finds it pretty hard to talk about my doubts and fears, this playlist expresses more than I even know how to express myself. Music has always done that for me, it speaks for me when I cannot. So, I guess this is the “secret” part of Secret Sunday. A few songs from this playlist that are basically a glimpse into where my mind has been for the last few weeks.

1. Storms – Fleetwood Mac

“But never have I been a blue calm sea
I have always been a storm”

Stevie Nicks is one of my all time favorite voices.

2. Die Alone – Ingrid Michaelson

“You make me think that maybe I won’t die alone.”

3. There’s No Way – Sam Bisbee

“I’m sorry I hurt you, forgive me.” 

Sometimes that’s all a girl needs to hear.

4. Skinny Love – Ed Sheeran

“Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?”

I normally prefer originals over covers, but Ed Sheeran’s version of this song sends my heart places.

 

5. Things I Never Needed – Grace Potter & The Nocturnals

“Take away this sense of regret
Take the things I need to forget
Take the mistakes I haven’t made yet
They’re all I have left”

Secret Sunday

1. My favorite movie is Dazed and Confused.

Despite the fashions, I’m almost positive I was meant to live in the 70’s. Also, the movie contains one of my all time favorite lines, “Wipe that face off your head, bitch.”

2. I’m the world’s worst flirt.

Not worst as in I do it way too much and way too shamelessly, worst as in I got no game. Awkward and shy does not a great flirter make!

3. I don’t like karaoke…

…so much as I adore it! I won’t be winning The Voice anytime soon, but this girl does love to sing. My go-to song is Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself for Loving You.”

4. One of my biggest fears is caves.

It combines the two things I’m most frightened of, the dark and tight spaces. You won’t catch me spelunking anytime soon. (On a related note, I’m currently watching The Descent and I still maintain that it is the scariest movie ever made.)

5. My newest dream job is a Music Supervisor.

Aside from the fact that being paid to listen to music sounds amazing, I frequently find myself looking for the perfect song to fit how I’m feeling and, not to brag, but I’m pretty dang good at it, so I’m quite positive I would be great at doing the same thing for my favorite TV characters.