I Wish I Could…

…cook myself healthy, well-balanced meals at least four nights a week.

…fashion my hair into a messy bun or down in loose waves in less than one hour.

…say no to pizza.

…find a career path that excites me.

…stop hate-watching Scandal.

…miss that one person less.

…empty the whole dishwasher instead of being lazy and just taking out what I need.

…forget how good Talenti Argentine Caramel Gelato tastes.

…replicate cute outfits on Pinterest.

…make a home manicure last longer than two days.

…find a workout routine that doesn’t bore me.

…walk in high heels.

…watch one episode of anything on Netflix without needing to watch the whole series.

…parallel park in less than four attempts.

…spell the word maintenance without the help of autocorrect.

…be more open with my feelings.

…stop abusing the 1-click buy on Amazon.

…get super zen and start doing yoga and meditating on the regular.

…hear the song With or Without You without getting teary.

…forget all the shit on this list that doesn’t really matter and start focusing on the things that do.


My A, B, C’s

If you’ve never checked out The Frenemy on Tumblr, you should. She’s all over the place and smart and hilarious. One of her posts included these questions and so, why not? Read on, readers. Read on.

A. If you could legally punch somebody in the throat ONCE, would you do it because you were watching a TV show and this person did that light but constant coughy thing the entire time? Walking slow in front of you? Or for some other reason? Walking slowly in front of me. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Seriously, as a person with short legs, if I am walking faster than you then you are just walking TOO DAMN SLOW. Throat punches may ensue if you insist on doing this and taking up the whole sidewalk while doing so.

B. What is your favorite piece of clothing in your closet and if your blood got you drunk would you sometimes drink it? My favorite piece of clothing is my long sleeve, tan cardigan. Simple, but I bought it in Brighton and it goes with everything and it can maybe be 142 degrees out and I still like wearing cardigans with EVERYTHING. And no. I have a small list of things I won’t drink to get drunk: whiskey, and now blood.

C. Would you rather go to a party where you know nobody and make small talk for two hours or watch that piece of shit movie Savages with Blake Lively two times in a row? This is not a fair question. I am not a fan of parties and I am a fan of The Savages (just kidding, only of Tim Riggins being in it and wearing the same hoodie I have from Thalia Surf Shop. What? It’s totally not weird that I noticed that.)

D. This guy wants to pay you ten thousand dollars to show a three minute clip of you having sex at his next dinner party. Ten people will be there. One of those people will be somebody you know, but you don’t know WHO. You do that, or what? What kind of sex would you be having? Ten thousand? That’s it? If it were a million, I would consider. And also, I feel like I would have to pay each person at the party ten thousand to sit through that at a dinner party because it would likely ruin their appetites…

E. You can bring five foods/drinks to a desert island. What are they? Rice and soy sauce because a desert island leads me to believe I’ll be eating a lot of fish and you know I wanna turn that shit into sushi. Gin because desert island also leads me to believe I’ll be hot a lot and I constantly crave gin when I’m hot. Now, do I have a means of refrigeration? Because all that gin is going to make me need chocolate milk the next morning. And if I do have refrigeration, I’m assuming there is a freezer too, so my last item is Talenti argentine caramel gelato.

F. Rihanna will read a tweet you direct at her. What does it say? Please STOP.

G. Tell me your best possible Sunday, if you could have it go as you choose. My favorite way to spend Sunday is in the fall when there’s a chill in the air, but it’s still beautiful and sunny out. Oh, and in this scenario I’m clearly dating someone who is awesome and makes boss breakfast sammies. It goes a little something like this- wake up late, but not too late. Have a delicious breakfast sammie and make bloody marys (because if there’s one thing I do well, it’s make bloody marys), watch football all cuddled up on the couch. It’s not a close game, our team is killing it, so it’s no big deal when we end up napping before the game is over. Ugh, midday naps on a chilly day are the best, amiright? Post-football there is some book reading, mine something Gillian Flynn-esque, his is something non-fiction- about a war or 1920’s gangsters, perhaps. The day ends with walking to Port Fonda and probably re-watching some Game of Thrones. (What can I say? I really love Sundays.)

H. If you had a robot that could do only one thing, would you make it imitate Robert DeNiro and call him Robot DeNiro or what? You got a fucking better idea? What is it? Nope, best idea EVER. Robert DeNiro is my then, now, forever crush, so obviously I would want a robot him!

I. Would you say you hatefollow more people on Tumblr or Facebook? Give a brief summary of the person you hatefollow the most on Facebook. I don’t hatefollow anyone, anywhere. Okay, so maybe there is one person I follow on Twitter that I don’t like or dislike, but every single thing they tweet makes me have a giant, Liz Lemon eye roll and grumble, “Ughhhhhhhh.”

J. If you were remaking a liveaction Disney movie, who would you cast in it and you can’t cast Darren Criss. Kim Kardashian as Princess Jasmine in Aladdin, but her big tiger, Rajah, eats her.

K. Tell me three texts you would send if the people receiving them wouldn’t remember them the next day. Not the person they are for, just the texts themselves here. “You are easily the most holier than thou person I know. Super un-fun, ya jerkwad!” “Do you have regrets?” “Showers make people better coworkers.”

L. Create an American Girl Doll. Mine would definitely be an Anne Boleyn one and her head pops off. Mine would be Tina Fey and you could push a button to make her shake her fist toward the sky and say “Nerd rage!”

M. What do you think would be the most perfect gift somebody could give you? Sometimes I think of these great gifts for myself and wish people would give them to me. Probably a trip to San Fran, Chicago, or Boston to see the Rockies play. All cities and stadiums I want to go to soon.

N. What would be the song you want to hear before you die? Footloose. I can’t not dance to that and that would mean I’d die dancing which would be a pretty great way to go.

O. What would be your Jeopardy tidbit you told Alex Trebek when he does that little “tell me about yourself” thing after the commercial break? “I love apple butter, can’t make balloon animals, and once won a bubble gum blowing contest.”

P. Congratulations, you’re a Real Housewife. What would your intro quote be in the credits? (I.E. I may be short but I’m not short on cash or prescription pill addictions) “I always bring the sauce and the sass.” (I’m just assuming I would be on the Housewives of New Jersey.)

Q. What is the thing you always hope these Questionares will ask you because you want to answer it? Go ahead and just answer anything because I know you want me to ask you a specific question, probably about a crush. If I could move to England, all expenses paid, with a job you’ll enjoy waiting for you, but never be able to return to the U.S., would you do it? And the answer? Totally YES.

R. What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to somebody? “I don’t love you.”

S. The song you dance to the most in your bedroom is….. Tie between Footloose and Modern Love by Bloc Party.

T. Who do you think, at this point in your life, is most likely to murder you? The woman who lives on the second floor of our house because I’m constantly taking her clothes out of the washer or dryer (it’s called communal laundry room etiquette, people!).

U. You have a choice: watch ONLY romantic comedies for a whole year or no movies for a whole year. What do you choose? Do I have to watch one every day? Can I just watch one a week? Can I eliminate all Katherine Heigl movies? If the last one is a no, then I’ll take no movies at all.

V. Cancel one television show RIGHT NOW. All Real Housewives shows. Please.

W. What, if any, is the Cosmopolitan sex tip you actually use? Have fun.

X. You’re a Food Network executive. What would be the show you pitch to the network? Mine is called Trough of Love, a show where reality stars eat nacho cheese with their hands tied behind their backs, hosted by Guy Fieri and Nick Lachey. Mine is called You Can Fry That? and clearly I am the host as it’s just a show where we are finding the most bizarre, but delicious, fried foods. Helloooooo ratings (and heart attacks).

Y. Cast and name a television show about yourself, on NBC. Beers and Beards (ugh, I don’t know, I’m always terrible at naming things. See: my blog posts.).  Emily Blunt plays me (hey, it’s MY SHOW!), Adrianne Palicki and Casey Wilson play my two besties and Connie Britton plays ANYTHING as long as she’s in every episode. And jeez, if I HAD to have a love interest okay well I guess I could have Charlie Hunnam or Taylor Kitsch in that role. If I must.

Z. What revenge would you take on the last person who broke your heart? None, he may have left me heartbroken for eons, but I still wish good things for him. Boring answer, but true.