A Case of the Could You Fucking Not’s

Lately I find myself with little patience. For everything. My favorite season is ending, my job provides little to no enjoyment, I’m in a constant search for something to do with the rest of my life professionally (or at least a constant search for a job that provides the possibility of moderate amounts of enjoyment and more than, oh ya know, three paid days off), I’m trying like hell to make a long distance relationship feel just as normal as it did pre-distance and all of this has been leaving me maxed out on my daily allotment for patience. It’s a rare day I don’t find myself constantly annoyed by any and everything dumb. I suppose normally my tolerance for stupid people doing stupid things isn’t the highest, but the stress of these last few weeks has just demolished said tolerance for all things asinine. For example…

Coworkers approaching me with problems first thing in the morning:

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Coworker who forces me to be at the office 20 minutes later than necessary so I can hear his thoughts on the decline of “modern neighborhoods”:

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Coworker who asks me to work late full well knowing I’m salary and won’t get paid for it:

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The person who cuts me off in traffic, then proceeds to drive under the speed limit:

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The person who cuts me off in line at the pharmacy, then proceeds to ask one trillion questions:

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Manufacturers of cardboard tampon applicators, one-ply toilet paper, automatic faucets that don’t work and all other sub-standard bathroom products:

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All things pumpkin spice and soon to be cold weather related:

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People who are constantly on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, but yet can’t seem to use their phones to text you back:

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All ex-girlfriends:

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And mostly, all the people who insist on telling me their own long distance failures when they hear my boyfriend was relocated 600 miles away. Really? REALLY? All of you:

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Luckily y’all I have found a way to combat this raging case of Could You Fucking Not’s, and boy is it delicious…

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The Worst Advice You Never Asked For

Dear readers, you know what I’m really beginning to hate? Advice. Specifically, dating advice. Personally, I’ve gotten a lot of it. I admit, sometimes I seek it out, but in general it’s unsolicited, which probably makes it even worse. It just seems that everyone has some knowledge they need to drop on me when it comes to finding (and keeping) that special someone. The problem is one person’s advice almost always completely contradicts the other persons! Come on, y’all! Dating is already hard enough without hearing all of this:

Put yourself out there and always be on the lookout, you won’t find someone unless you try. But…Stop trying. You always meet someone when you aren’t looking for it.

Know what you want, make a list of the qualities you want in a man. But…Don’t limit yourself to a “type”, be open to all different qualities in a man.

Relax! If it doesn’t work out then just know it wasn’t meant to be. But…If you feel like it’s not working out, you aren’t putting in enough effort. Do more!

Maintain your own identity. Follow your own passions while dating someone. But…Spend more time learning and getting involved in his interests.

Spend time alone, don’t jump from one relationship to the next. But…Don’t stay single for too long lest you get too set in your own ways.

Never assume exclusivity, don’t be afraid to discuss where you’re at in a relationship and tell him what you want. But…Never put too much pressure on where you’re at in a relationship, men hate pressure!

Focus on the person, not the zsa zsa zsu’s. Zsa zsa zsu’s can grow after time. But…Chemistry is key, it’s either there or it’s not.

Don’t act like a needy girl. But…Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and let him know you need him.

Men love elusive women and like to be the pursuers, let him come to you. But…Don’t be afraid to make moves and pursue a man to show your interest.

Learn from past mistakes. If your last boyfriend strayed, be sure to keep your guard up and look for signs in your next boyfriend. But…Don’t let your past haunt you! Just because one bad boyfriend strays doesn’t mean they all will.

Never put out on the first date! Wait until you’re ready. But…It’s okay if passion gets the best of you! If it feels right and you want it, go for it!

Don’t talk about the future too soon. But…Don’t wait too long to talk about the future so you can know if your hopes and goals are compatible.

Watch what you wear on a first date, nothing too revealing! But…Play up your assets. Got great boobs? Work that V-neck!

Don’t sell yourself short or settle, you are unique and wonderful and deserve the best. But…Don’t feel entitled, you may think your quirks are endearing, but those quirks may not make you as much of a catch as you think you are.

You deserve all the love in the world, it’s okay to want more love from a person. But…Don’t expect a certain amount of love from a person, just enjoy what love you do get from the person you’re with.

Don’t let your age or the length of time you’ve been single make you give up on finding the relationship you truly want. But…Don’t think you have all the time in the world to find the perfect match.

Never accept an invitation for a date 1-2 days away. Only pre-planned outings. But…Guys love spontaneity! Happy hour after to work tonight? You bet!

Always look your best no matter the situation, even for a physical activity date. But…Guys love a girl who is comfortable in no makeup and yoga pants, don’t be afraid to get gritty!

And my all time favorite advice:

All men are different, so never listen to dating advice.

It all leaves me feeling a lot like this…tumblr_mk8d58eAcL1qcm0m3o1_500gif_tb_lafayette_fuckdisshit71191-what-the-actual-fuck-gif-game-cjx5tumblr_lzve1dTqJf1qa6lp8Disgust-1

The Oh-No-No’s List

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Right there with ya, Tom.

The Oh-No-No’s. Everyone’s got them. Whether it’s something as fundamental as religion or politics, or something trivial like preferring grape jelly to cherry jam on your morning toast, there are dealbreakers in every relationship. Now, from reading my previous posts you may be thinking to yourself ‘Camo! Camo has got to be the dealbreaker!’ Well, you’d be thinking wrong. If I’m truly into a guy he can get away with a lot fashion wise and I’ll be smitten just the same. (Trust me. I once had a guy I was dating wear {lightly} plaid printed pants with a striped shirt to a work soiree, and I was still pleased as pie to have him as my date for the evening.) I try not to have any Oh-No-No’s related to fashion because it is an ever evolving part of one’s self (and, honestly, if a guy is wearing something you truly hate, it’s pretty dang easy to get him to stop wearing it. Ladies, we do have this power.). Instead, my Oh-No-No’s are a random mish-mashing of odd (and truly not odd…come on, being ultra conservative? What liberal person wouldn’t have that on their list?) things that can make me run from a person fast enough to leave a cartoon dust cloud in my wake. So here it is. The official Thalia’s Oh-No-No’s List:

1. Right Wing Nut Jobs

Ok, being Republican is one thing. One thing I can deal with if need be. But, if Ann Coulter is your dream woman, you are not the man me for me.

2. Chain smokers

3. Addictions of any sort

The only thing you should be addicted to is me.

4. Being addicted to me

In reference to number 3, just kidding. Please, do not be addicted to me. I’ve been there, done that in a relationship and it was bad news. Please, have your own life, your own friends, your own need for “me time,” because I sure as shit have a need for my “me time” as well.

5. Chronic misuse of its/it’s, they’re/their/there, effect/affect, our/are, etc

Yes, mistakes are easily made when you are, say, drunk texting at 1am, but please don’t make a habit of this. Also, please never send me this text, “wat u up 2 2nte sxy,” because I can promise you, it will never be answered.

6. Foot fetish

7. Not loving Parks & Rec/30 Rock/Friday Night Lights/Saturday Night Live/Dexter/Sons of Anarchy

 Ok, you don’t have to love these shows, but if it is raining out and we both have the day off, at least humor me with a TV marathon/cuddle day.

8. Inability to take a joke/tell a joke/laugh at my jokes

Life is way too hard to not just laugh it out as often as possible.

9. Never saying “Bless you” when I sneeze

True, maybe my heart doesn’t really need blessing for the few nano-seconds it stops while I sneeze, but if you can’t even say this, it leads me to believe you also won’t be there to pour me some OJ or fetch me some Advil while I’m sick. And yes, never taking care of me when I’m sick is a one way ticket to Dumpsville.

10. Don’t ever, under any circumstances, try and make me call you “Daddy.”

Irrational Irritants

When I am in the elevator at work at the end of the day, heading down to the lobby to get the heck out of dodge for the night, nothing annoys me more than when the elevator stops, a person gets on, sees me clearly leaving for the day, sees the button for the lobby is already pressed, yet just feels the need to press it again. Really? REALLY?! Will that second press get us home for the night any faster? Nope, it sure won’t.

I know, I know, this is ridiculous. I honestly have no idea why this bothers me so, but boy does it ever.

And this isn’t the only thing that irrationally irritates me. This is only the tip of the iceberg. As I get older, this list just seems to grow. And grow. And grow…

    Girls with perfect skin who cover it up with 4 pounds of make up. Come on, girl, you don’t realize how lucky you are!

    Slow walkers.

    Drivers who don’t give a thank you wave when you let them merge.

    Drivers who leave their blinkers on.

    Magazines/websites spoiling TV shows/movies/books. Damnit, don’t tell me The Bachelorette is sending home my favorite suitor!

    Bachelor/ettes sending home my favorite suitor/ettes.

    Getting a rip in the middle of my contact while it is in my eye.

    Cell phones not having breathalyzers built in to stop me from sending that very regrettable text.

    Construction happening next to my building every morning, right at 6am.

    None of the construction workers looking like extras from the Bod Man Body Spray commercials.

    Guys (& girls) who eat whatever they want & complain that they can’t gain weight. Screw you, people. This is not a problem!

    Walking out of work only to see my bus home drive by. Yes, I realize another will come in 17 minutes, but who has the time?!

    The 5:23am bus always running late. Come on, buddy, there’s no rush hour to contend with at 5am.

    Girls who wear full make up to the gym.

    People who wear short shorts to the gym.

    Men who excessively grunt at the gym.

    Creed/Nickelback/LMFAO being played at the gym.

    The gym. WHY GOD IS IT 74 DEGREES IN THE GYM?!

    Having an AC wall unit in the furthest corner of the living room. Yes, that two inches the air is able to reach sure is nice and cool!

    Having naturally curly hair in the back and straight hair in the front. Damn you, split personality hair.

    Introducing myself to someone, only to have them say ‘Nice to meet you, Sally.’ MY NAME IS NOT SALLY!

    Series on HBO/Showtime/AMC/FX only being 11-13 episodes long. I need more than 11 weeks of Dexter per year, damnit!

    TV series that aren’t available on Netflix streaming. I have no patience for only one or two discs per week. If the series addiction is strong enough, one or two discs per night are necessary.

    Men who say ‘Just don’t worry about it.’ This is the equivalent of a woman’s ‘It’s fine.’ don’t think we haven’t noticed this!

    People who send texts to ask ‘Are you free to talk?’ Call and find out!

    Dating guys with dogs. The only thing worse than missing an ex is missing his dog.

    Everything Kardashian related.

I can only guess that as I age and become (even more) crotchety, this list will continue to grow. And grow. And grow…