The Losing Season

I love Kansas City. I have a great amount of Kansas City pride. But, God love ‘em, the Royals season was sadly all too similar to my love life. After years and years of trying their damnedest and still losing, finally all the pieces came together. Finally something just clicked and they were winning. They were great. They were confident. They had been the underdogs for so long that everyone was rooting for them. Everyone wanted this season to finally be the one. And while the final series wasn’t a smooth ride, it really seemed like this was it, this season was the one. Then, suddenly, it was over. Just like that, everything they had been waiting so long for was over. And it was just one small run that came between them and the win. They have to walk off the field, defeated, and watch as someone else enjoys the happiness they thought would be theirs. They came so close. They were great, just not quite great enough.

But, this isn’t the end for the Royals. They will have other seasons. Some they may lose, and maybe someday, one they will finally win. The Royals will shake this loss off… and so will I.

Enough.

It’s nice hearing you’re great. It’s nice hearing a person appreciates all the things you do for them and how you open yourself up to them and how you give your feelings freely to them.

It’s not nice feeling like those things are not enough for them to want to continue on in a relationship with you.

In fact, it’s much worse than “not nice,” it’s more like devastating. It’s soul crushing to feel like you are not enough. And when you are dumped, there’s a very good chance you will spend a lot of time feeling exactly that. Sure, the person you are being dumped by may say it’s nothing you did and that you are, in fact, great, but that does nothing to ease the feeling of not being enough for them. Your friends, your family, anyone will probably tell you you are enough. You gave everything you had, and that was enough. You being you is enough. You being open to loving someone is enough. But, after the person you have fallen in love with gives you the “you are great, but…” talk, you will likely not believe any of this.

You will feel like if you were better in any number of ways the person would want to be with you still. No matter the reasons they are actually ending the relationship, in my case distance and not feeling ready to be in a serious relationship, you will still think it’s you. It has to be you. It has to be things you did. Or things you didn’t do. You question everything about yourself. You think back on your relationship and question every time that person made you feel great and every time you thought you were more than enough for them because of how perfectly things felt, and this makes you think surely you must have missed some huge sign. You must have gotten something wrong. There were no fights or unhappiness or areas of life you completely disagreed on, so it must have been you. More than ever you are certain you are not great. In fact, you think you aren’t even good. Not good enough to receive back the love you have given. It is one of the worst feelings in the world, and there’s no way to cure it. People can tell you until they’re blue in the face that you are great, that you are enough, but when you have been left heartbroken, it’s fairly impossible to believe.

Among all the terrible parts of going through a breakup; the feeling of loss knowing you won’t have that person you were so close with to talk to everyday, the end of all the future plans you’ve made with them, the knowledge that you’ll never fall asleep and wake up in their arms and have that wonderful feeling like all is right in the world, among the myriad of feelings constantly swirling in your head, one of the worst will be feeling like it is all happening because you were not enough.

A Case of the Could You Fucking Not’s

Lately I find myself with little patience. For everything. My favorite season is ending, my job provides little to no enjoyment, I’m in a constant search for something to do with the rest of my life professionally (or at least a constant search for a job that provides the possibility of moderate amounts of enjoyment and more than, oh ya know, three paid days off), I’m trying like hell to make a long distance relationship feel just as normal as it did pre-distance and all of this has been leaving me maxed out on my daily allotment for patience. It’s a rare day I don’t find myself constantly annoyed by any and everything dumb. I suppose normally my tolerance for stupid people doing stupid things isn’t the highest, but the stress of these last few weeks has just demolished said tolerance for all things asinine. For example…

Coworkers approaching me with problems first thing in the morning:

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Coworker who forces me to be at the office 20 minutes later than necessary so I can hear his thoughts on the decline of “modern neighborhoods”:

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Coworker who asks me to work late full well knowing I’m salary and won’t get paid for it:

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The person who cuts me off in traffic, then proceeds to drive under the speed limit:

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The person who cuts me off in line at the pharmacy, then proceeds to ask one trillion questions:

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Manufacturers of cardboard tampon applicators, one-ply toilet paper, automatic faucets that don’t work and all other sub-standard bathroom products:

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All things pumpkin spice and soon to be cold weather related:

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People who are constantly on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram, but yet can’t seem to use their phones to text you back:

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All ex-girlfriends:

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And mostly, all the people who insist on telling me their own long distance failures when they hear my boyfriend was relocated 600 miles away. Really? REALLY? All of you:

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Luckily y’all I have found a way to combat this raging case of Could You Fucking Not’s, and boy is it delicious…

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