I’m fairly certain if you ask 100 people if they are happy with their body, about 92 of them will say no. Whether it’s losing that pesky five that won’t go away or your legs aren’t muscular enough or, like me, you gain and lose and gain and lose the same 10-20 pounds over and over again, you just never seem to have the body you want. So I don’t feel too weird saying I’m not totally in love with my body. From previous posts you’ll know that I’ve had some issues in my early teens, and still work to this day to accept myself, but lately it’s been a losing battle. And not just with the accepting of the body, because lord knows our bodies are ever changing, so that’s always going to always be a work in progress. Lately what isn’t working is less my body, and more my brain.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had problems with food. I either think about it too much or not enough or eat too much of it or not enough or eat the wrong things or eat all the right things and then give up and start eating all the wrong things again. It’s a nonstop problem and for the last few months I’ve been falling into the thinking about it too much/eating all the wrong things category. It starts with stress eating, and stress eating leads to gaining weight, which leads to me being overly critical of my body, which leads to over analyzing everything I eat, which leads to dieting, and, unfortunately, then leads to me being stressed about dieting and stress eating more. VICIOUS CYCLE.
I can say I’ve always had a tendency to be an emotional eater. If I went to the high school in Mean Girls, I’d probably be sitting at the Girls Who Eat Their Feelings table a couple times a week. If it were just eating when I’m sad, maybe that wouldn’t bother me so much, but over the years it’s turned into “Hooray, good news, now let’s celebrate with Mexican and margs!” or “I’m confused and can’t figure out my life, let’s just eat pizza until the future becomes clear.”. To me, this does not seem healthy. Not all occasions, feelings, etc., should be tied to food. And more importantly, the cycle I’ve found myself in now should not be happening. I need healthier ways to deal with these feelings and situations, and honestly, as much as it pains me to say this because I am the person who wants to take care of everything myself, I don’t think I can deal with this alone. I’ve had this thought for awhile now, but my obsession with my body and the way I feed it is more on the moderate scale. I don’t fall under any clinical eating disorder categories, because I am capable of healthy habits and thoughts, just not as often as I’d like to be. So seeking out someone professional to talk to seemed a bit extreme. And on the body side of it, I have absolutely no problem getting my butt to the gym and busting my ass for an hour or two on the regular, so getting a trainer also seemed a little excessive. So, what was a gal like me to do?
Well, for once, like magic, a solution to a problem was dropped right into my lap. My first day back at the gym after New Years I see this flyer. It’s almost like it called to me,.“Hey Miss Chubby Tummy with the weight she keeps losing and regaining and all those pesky negative thoughts you have about yourself, look at me!” it screamed. A woman who used to work at my gym recently completed her Masters in Psychology and is a certified trainer. She is combining these two things and creating a program for people just like me. People who have been working for years to achieve a healthier body and mind, but have some mental roadblocks in their way. She uses cognitive behavior therapy to overcome sabotaging thoughts, which is huge for me. No one stands in my way more than I do. She also sets up strength training and cardio plans suited best for what I hope to get my body to look more like (i.e; J Lo, and, as much as I hate to say it, Kim Kardashian. You know, the girls with curves for days, but still lookin’ good.). And, what sold me most on this being worth every penny I will be paying for it, she has the exact same attitude toward dieting that I do. We both believe dieting does not work. For some, maybe. For me? No. Tell me I can’t eat something and eventually I will crack and it’s all I want. Instead, we will work on turning the things I like into healthier options and focusing on portion control. And, once we work through a lot of my wacky brain shit, hopefully I will be able to enjoy and unhealthier option once and awhile like a piece of pizza and A) not freak out about how fat it’s making me and B) not stress about that fact and feel like I need to eat three more slices to make me less stressed (yes, it grosses me out to admit that, but it happens.).
In the end, what I hope to get from this program is 19 less pounds on my body. This is the last part of the 30 pound goal I set for myself four years ago, and I’m ready to not pussyfoot around anymore and get it done. More importantly, I hope to get a happier image of me. If I only lose 18, or if I do lose the 19 and then gain one or two back, I won’t feel so awful about myself that I feel the need to throw it all of track and just binge on carbs, cheese, and more carbs because why does it matter anyway? I am more than ready to throw that negative shit out the door and just feel good.
In the end, I want what everyone wants. To be one of those eight people who can say, “Yes, I like my body. It ain’t perfect, but it’s the one I got and I like it.”