Lessons to be Learned

I’m a pretty smart gal. But for a smart gal, I still am making some pretty dumb mistakes. And yeah, mistakes are bound to happen, but there are a handful I seem to make over and over again. Well, no more, damnit! Before that ever looming 3-0 creeps up on me, there are some lessons that once and for all need to be learned….

 
 

Just because it tastes good/feels good/looks good/tells me I look good doesn’t mean it will be worth the calories/hangover/price tag/heartbreak that will come a long it..

When a guy tells me he loves me while he’s drunk or while we are in the middle of, ahem, coitus (God, I hate that word) for the first time, I should almost always take it with a grain of salt.

Just because the amazingly fabulous pumps feel okay while I’m walking around in them at the shoe store, doesn’t mean they will feel that okay while I’m wearing them for three hours in a bar or at a party that same night. Break those suckers in first, damnit!

Dying my hair may seem like THE BEST IDEA EVER, but is it worth the millions of split ends I will spend the next few months obsessing over?

Even though it’s amazing to be the type of person who will do anything for people you love, sometimes I really do have to put myself first.

My lady doctor will always be running 45 minutes behind. Just remember to bring your book already!

Halloween and New Year’s Eve will almost never be as much fun as I’ve hyped it up to be no matter what I wear or where I go, so going forward quit hyping it up and find awesome people, go someplace fun, and wear something comfortable (but still sexy, of course).

Don’t dry that cotton shirt on high unless I plan on being 15 pounds lighter the next time I wear it.

Just because I have cash in my wallet does not mean it needs to be spent.

My college degree may be a bullshit degree in real life (come on, English majors, it’s pretty much true) but it still deserves some respect.

Watching a movie or show or reading a book with a really awesome father character in it doesn’t make my life any less awesome just because I don’t have one in my life as cool (or at all, really).

When I go to Target for static guard I don’t HAVE to walk out of the store with bronzer, candles, pomade, yoga pants, and a ridiculous sized maternity shirt that I am are sure will pass as a tunic when paired with leggings. The universe will not implode if I merely walk out with just the static guard!

When I yell “LET’S DO SHOTS!”, that is exactly the time I don’t need to be taking shots.

Being single and without children and a great career path when I turn 30 doesn’t make me a loser or unaccomplished. This more than anything is what I need to get through my fairly large cranium. I may not be where a lot of other 30 year olds are, but it could be worse. I could be living in a van down by the river.

New Year, New Me?

I’m fairly certain if you ask 100 people if they are happy with their body, about 92 of them will say no. Whether it’s losing that pesky five that won’t go away or your legs aren’t muscular enough or, like me, you gain and lose and gain and lose the same 10-20 pounds over and over again, you just never seem to have the body you want. So I don’t feel too weird saying I’m not totally in love with my body. From previous posts you’ll know that I’ve had some issues in my early teens, and still work to this day to accept myself, but lately it’s been a losing battle. And not just with the accepting of the body, because lord knows our bodies are ever changing, so that’s always going to always be a work in progress. Lately what isn’t working is less my body, and more my brain.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had problems with food. I either think about it too much or not enough or eat too much of it or not enough or eat the wrong things or eat all the right things and then give up and start eating all the wrong things again. It’s a nonstop problem and for the last few months I’ve been falling into the thinking about it too much/eating all the wrong things category. It starts with stress eating, and stress eating leads to gaining weight, which leads to me being overly critical of my body, which leads to over analyzing everything I eat, which leads to dieting, and, unfortunately, then leads to me being stressed about dieting and stress eating more. VICIOUS CYCLE.

I can say I’ve always had a tendency to be an emotional eater. If I went to the high school in Mean Girls, I’d probably be sitting at the Girls Who Eat Their Feelings table a couple times a week. If it were just eating when I’m sad, maybe that wouldn’t bother me so much, but over the years it’s turned into “Hooray, good news, now let’s celebrate with Mexican and margs!” or “I’m confused and can’t figure out my life, let’s just eat pizza until the future becomes clear.”. To me, this does not seem healthy. Not all occasions, feelings, etc., should be tied to food. And more importantly, the cycle I’ve found myself in now should not be happening. I need healthier ways to deal with these feelings and situations, and honestly, as much as it pains me to say this because I am the person who wants to take care of everything myself, I don’t think I can deal with this alone. I’ve had this thought for awhile now, but my obsession with my body and the way I feed it is more on the moderate scale. I don’t fall under any clinical eating disorder categories, because I am capable of healthy habits and thoughts, just not as often as I’d like to be. So seeking out someone professional to talk to seemed a bit extreme. And on the body side of it, I have absolutely no problem getting my butt to the gym and busting my ass for an hour or two on the regular, so getting a trainer also seemed a little excessive. So, what was a gal like me to do?

Well, for once, like magic, a solution to a problem was dropped right into my lap. My first day back at the gym after New Years I see this flyer. It’s almost like it called to me,.“Hey Miss Chubby Tummy with the weight she keeps losing and regaining and all those pesky negative thoughts you have about yourself, look at me!” it screamed. A woman who used to work at my gym recently completed her Masters in Psychology and is a certified trainer. She is combining these two things and creating a program for people just like me. People who have been working for years to achieve a healthier body and mind, but have some mental roadblocks in their way. She uses cognitive behavior therapy to overcome sabotaging thoughts, which is huge for me. No one stands in my way more than I do. She also sets up strength training and cardio plans suited best for what I hope to get my body to look more like (i.e; J Lo, and, as much as I hate to say it, Kim Kardashian. You know, the girls with curves for days, but still lookin’ good.). And, what sold me most on this being worth every penny I will be paying for it, she has the exact same attitude toward dieting that I do. We both believe dieting does not work. For some, maybe. For me? No. Tell me I can’t eat something and eventually I will crack and it’s all I want. Instead, we will work on turning the things I like into healthier options and focusing on portion control. And, once we work through a lot of my wacky brain shit, hopefully I will be able to enjoy and unhealthier option once and awhile like a piece of pizza and A) not freak out about how fat it’s making me and B) not stress about that fact and feel like I need to eat three more slices to make me less stressed (yes, it grosses me out to admit that, but it happens.).

In the end, what I hope to get from this program is 19 less pounds on my body. This is the last part of the 30 pound goal I set for myself four years ago, and I’m ready to not pussyfoot around anymore and get it done. More importantly, I hope to get a happier image of me. If I only lose 18, or if I do lose the 19 and then gain one or two back, I won’t feel so awful about myself that I feel the need to throw it all of track and just binge on carbs, cheese, and more carbs because why does it matter anyway? I am more than ready to throw that negative shit out the door and just feel good.

In the end, I want what everyone wants. To be one of those eight people who can say, “Yes, I like my body. It ain’t perfect, but it’s the one I got and I like it.”

A Few of My Favorite (and Some Not So Favorite) Things of 2012

Happy New Year, dear readers! After a much needed break from blogging, and life in general, I am back. In all actuality, I have a ton to write about, a lot of somewhat personal and somewhat exciting things…but, although I’m back, I’m not quite ready to get into the deep stuff. Instead, I’ll just tell you about all my favorite shit from 2012. Oh readers, I know you’re excited!

Since I am an entertainment junkie, let’s start with the movies, albums, books, and TV that rocked my world last year.

Favorite Movies:

Haywire. Okay, this is going to be met with some shock and probably some scoffs, but damnit, I loved that movie. And I suppose technically it came out in 2011, but I didn’t see it until ’12, so whatever, it’s my favorite! If you know me well, you know I LOVE a gal who can kick ass and take care of business, and Gina Carano did just that. I’m also a fan of Steven Soderbergh’s directing style (Out of Sight being my all time favorite) and to top it off, Michael Fassbender and Channing Tatum are in it. How could this not be my favorite movie of the year?

Some flicks I was also loving in 2012; Moonrise Kingdom, Silver Linings Playbook, Lola Versus, Lawless, Django Unchained, 21 Jump Street (no one was surprised by this more than me), and Magic Mike (for a gal who used to not be on the Channing Tatum bandwagon I’m seeing a pattern here…). A few from 2012 I’m still dying to see – Argo, End of Watch, Skyfall, and The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Favorite Albums:

This is a toughie. Music depends so much on my mood that it’s always hard to pick out a favorite anything as far as tunes are concerned (unless its favorite song, because that is and always will be Footloose.). I’d say my favorite album of 2012 is actually a tie between Babel by Mumford and Sons (who put on an amazing show for me {well, not just for me, but a girl can dream…}) and Coexist by The xx. Both are the two albums I listened to over and over last year, without skipping a song, which is a feat unto  itself, and putting many of the songs on repeat (yeah, I’m looking at you Where Are You Now.).

Some runners up are 18 Months by Calvin  Harris and the 1991 EP by Azealia Banks, both of which get me going at the gym. Also Channel ORANGE by Frank Ocean and Trilogy by The Weeknd, both of which are my go-to’s for when I need something awesome but mellow.

Favorite Books:

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. Easily the best I read all year. True, I wasn’t super elated by the ending, but I tore through that book and thoroughly enjoyed every other part of it. My mother insists it is set to become a film and Jennifer Aniston is attached to it. I’d be A-ok with seeing her do something like this, something a little darker.

Some other favorites were The Kings of Cool by Don Winslow – this is the prequel to The Savages, and in my opinion not quite as good, but nonetheless, I love this man’s style. Live by Night by Dennis Lehane – almost finished with this and am currently very sleepy because I’ve been up way too late reading this prohibition era story. And, (I’m not ashamed to admit this, not at all) The 50 Shades trilogy – yeah, whatever, the writing was awful and if I hear about anyone’s inner goddess ever again I’ll snap, but the book did allow me to picture Henry Cavill as Mr. Christian Grey, and that is something I’m VERY happy to picture. Let’s all just take a moment to enjoy…936full-henry-cavill

Favorite TV Shows:

Again, toughie for me because it depends on if I’m in the mood to laugh or think. If I want to think, then it’s Sherlock all the way. Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman are my jam! This show is just brilliant and I wish BBC would make their seasons longer! My only true complaint with BBC shows. Now, if I’m in the mood to laugh, it’s all about the New Girl. This season has been so funny and I’m pretty sure Nick and I were meant to be. We would be the youngest old crotchety, snarly couple ever, and damnit, we would never go into haunted houses lest we run out screaming like girls!

Some honorable mentions are The Bachelor/ette (yes, I said I would NEVER watch reality shit like this, but I’ve been hooked since Ashley’s season, and even though I hated Emily and most of her season, damn did I love looking at Arie), Luther, Downton Abbey, Girls, Newsroom, Game of Thrones (can’t go wrong with some HBO), Dr. Who, Being Human, Gone Girl (seriously though, when did I turn into a Sci-Fi fan??), and of course, Sons of Anarchy (JAX, JAX, JAX. Yep, just drooled while typing that).

And just for shits and giggles, here’s a few more of my favorite (and maybe least favorite) things from 2012…

Favorite Concert:

Bruce fuckin Springsteen.

Favorite Purchase: 

Me Too tan, leather flats. OMG. They make my feet feel so good and look so cute with skinny jeans. I adore them and will be purchasing more of them soon.

Favorite Meal:

Mushroom Ravioli and Garlic Bread from Paesanos in Sacramento. For a gal who was cutting WAY back on gluten, that meal was a serious slice of heaven. I may be dreaming about that garlic bread at this very moment…

Favorite Date:

San Francisco. Yes, I got tartar sauce on my dress and ruined it, had to sit in an area riddled with bird poop, and the traffic was horrendous, but… the city was beautiful. I’d been wanting to go for forever, and I was with a guy who let me do every cheesy touristy thing I desired. Nothing is better than looking out at the bridge and the city on a perfectly warm and sunny day and sharing heart fluttery kisses with a guy you’re crushing on.

A close second was being taken to all you can eat sushi. Because it’s ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI.

Least Favorite Date:

Going out with a beau and his friends and drinking. A lot. Then throwing up. A lot. No further explanation needed.

Favorite Guy:

Long Distance Lover. This may surprise some, because it didn’t work out and he did end up hurting my heart a bit, but meeting him and spending time with him and falling for him did two really great things for me: he opened me up to some things I had no idea I liked so much and know a lot more about what I want from the next man in my life, and he showed me that I can fall for a guy pretty hard (yes! I still have it in me!) and it not work out and not be a total mess for an extraordinarily long period of time afterward. These were things I needed to and enjoyed learning about myself. (Plus, he’s just really hot.)

My two runners up might also surprise you, and not surprise you at all. The first is my ex. Yes, the ex that sent my heart into a no man’s land black pit of despair. We’ve spent some time together and had a lot of fun…and it felt great. I wasn’t in the fetal position bawling and I wasn’t cursing all men forever and ever afterward. I was just happy to have someone to have fun with. The second will not surprise you at all.

tom hardy beard

Yes, the only man who can get me to watch a Reese Witherspoon and an Anne Hathaway movie in the same year.

And just because…

Least Favorite Guy:

Long Distance Lover. Congrats on that, sir! No, it’s not that I hate him or wish him ill will, it’s just slightly annoying (okay, supremely annoying) to be super into someone, have them be super into you, and then just…disappear. Long distance is no one’s idea of a good time, but for Pete’s sake, just tell a girl you’re not into it anymore rather than do the phase out. Phase out’s suck. There’s no closure and without closure I end up thinking all sorts of crazy things, even if it’s just subconsciously in dreams (the most recent being that he was very sick for awhile and then one of his THREE kids needed some sort of transplant. {But that he did miss me, so that was nice at least…but three kids? Gah!} More than likely he just met a girl where he lives, so where on earth does my brain come up with this randomness?!).

So there you have it, readers. Just a few of my favorite things from 2012. I’m outrageously excited for 2013 because, in more way than one in my case, it is a new beginning. But, more to come on that later 😉