Time

“The trouble is, you think you have time.” Jack Kornfield

I am a procrastinator. Not just on work or chores or my diet, on life. On the big things. This is mainly because I am scared. I worry that being proactive and going out and getting shit done will mean change, and change? Change is scary. Right now I am comfortable. I have a job that allows me to slowly whittle my way out of debt (and amass closets full of clothes, shoes, and toiletries. Seriously. I may have a toiletries addiction.). I have my little apartment filled with my little things, making me feel all cozy and safe. I have friends and coworkers who might notice if I don’t pop up after a few days, thus ensuring my body will never slowly decompose if I choke on a piece of sesame chicken alone in said apartment. Change means possibly not having a job that allows my toiletries addiction to flourish, packing up and moving all the things that fill my home, and possibly being somewhere new where my life isn’t like Cheers and no one knows my name. SCARY.

But what is worse, being scared or being comfortable?

For the last few years I’ve had this word ‘comfort’ festering around in my brain. Riding the bus down the same block every day to go to work where I do the same things every day…comfort. I see it on every street sign that passes by, it haunts me. Comfort is not what I dreamed of when I was a little girl. I dreamed of adventures and excitement and driving across the country, stopping in small, sleepy towns working as a bartender or at a diner, getting to know the locals and all their stories and finding pieces of myself along the way (okay, maybe I didn’t dream of being a barmaid when I was little, that part was added on later, probably sometime after watching My Blueberry Nights). But when I was little it was easy to have these dreams. I had no bills, no responsibilities. All I had was time to dream.

Well, time is no one’s friend. It is not infinite and it does not stop for us to figure out when it is right for change. I’ve often thought maybe it takes a certain kind of person to get out there and make these changes, to do wild things, and maybe I am just not that type. I’m too Type A. I plan too much. I think too much. I’m too responsible. But then I realize, bullshit. Any person can be the kind of person they want to be, and if that is the type of person who leaves comfort behind for an adventure that is crazy and new, then all it takes a certain kind of balls and the knowledge that time is fleeting. The knowledge that procrastination is not on your side because you may not always have as much time as you think you do.

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4 thoughts on “Time

  1. YOu could have been me a year ago. I hate change too, things will never be the same (sometimes they were really freaking good), and neither will I. When you choose to change, at least you have some control…

    • This is true, Morgan! I am grateful to be lucky enough that change is not being thrust upon me and I have the ability and means to go out and make changes as I see fit. Sometimes I just wish I had a life coach though that could lead me in the right direction as most of my fears on making any sort of change is making the wrong choice in life and ending up living in a van down by the river…

      • Living in a van by the river isn’t so bad 🙂 If there’s anything I can do, let me know. I’m scared all the time, I don’t even understand what keeps me going any more. Maybe this is normal and we’re over-thinking it…

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