I know this is not breaking news, but getting over a crush is not easy. Okay, for some people, people with a mindset and will power far beyond me, it is, and I envy those people. It would be fabulous to be able to say ‘Oh you don’t return my feelings? Well I’m fabulous, so peace out muthafucka, I’m over it!’, but for most of us, it just isn’t that easy. When you’re crushing on someone, whether it’s one of those unrequited, never explored loves, or it’s the person you’ve been dating and are swooning for, but for some reason the swooning goes unreturned, there’s usually good, solid reasons why you are crushing on them. And it’s crazy difficult to make those reasons just disappear no matter how many times you tell yourself it just ain’t gonna work out. I know lately the logic part of my brain is constantly reminding me my crush is no good for me due to the miles that seperate us, oh and that pesky fact that his crush on me seems to be waning, but I still get these flutters when I think about said crush’s perfect mix of manliness, smarts, and sensitivity and his complete lack of chicken legs and his arms that are like whoa and his expert status in the art of throwdown…ohhhh the throwdown. Sorry. I digress. See? It’s not easy! Getting over this crush is not as easy as telling myself I should. Even just writing a few words about him sends my mind into a tizzy! So, if you are like me and aren’t one of those steadfast people who can just say they’re over it and damn if they aren’t over it, then how do you get yourself, well…over it?
I’m sure a logical person would say things like “Go to the gym, those endorphins will get you feeling better in no time.” Or, “Focus on you! Use the time you would spend thinking about this person thinking about yourself and what you can do to improve your life.” Or even, “Focus on others. Get out there and volunteer!” And, yes, these are all great suggestions. For logical people. Me? Most times, I’m not so logical. So far the best, albeit non-logical, advice I’ve heard is this; “The easiest way to get over a crush is to picture them on rollerblades.” FANTASTIC! Why have I never thought of this trick before? Even long distance lover’s well muscled legs can’t keep me twitterpated when I imagine them in, gasp, rollerblades!
Yes, there are truly logical and healthy ways to get your mind off of a person, but sometimes, when all those logical ways fail you, you just have to fake it until you make it. Sometimes you just have to trick your brain into forgetting about all those dreamy qualities and replacing them with less sexy and appealing thoughts until you truly do feel over them, or as some might tell you, under someone new. So here are some of the ways I’m faking it until I make it…
1. Picture him doing the deed with Rihanna.
Yeah, I know, picturing the person who gets you hot and bothered getting hot and bothered with someone else seems like a weird way to make yourself feel good about getting over them, but really, Rihanna? You know your dreamlover is walking away with some sort of nastiness after a roll in the hay with her (sorry, Rihanna lovers, she may get our booties shakin in the club but you can’t deny, girl is seems durrrrty).
Every time I picture long distance lover’s lovely non-chicken legs, I try to make myself picture them in jorts (and on the days when I’m really pining for him, I imagine them to be jorts with jewel encrusted patterns bedazzling the butt pockets) and damnit if they aren’t getting less and less attractive every time I think of it! The same can be said for Ed Hardy shirts. Suddenly his sexy torso does nothing for me when encased in a shirt worn by Pauly D.
3. Telling me he doesn’t like TV.
Anytime I think of all the things we have in common and all our easy conversations I just imagine him dropping in this bomb and my horrified reaction. It goes a little something like this:
“Oh long distance lover, you’re just the greatest! I can’t believe we love reading and both want to live on boats and like all these randoms bands! I bet you also think Happy Endings is hilarious and are ready for it to be back on like I am!”
“No, not really. I don’t watch TV.”
Cut to me spit-taking my wine, falling to my knees, my hands raised to the heavens, and releasing a dramatic cry:
4. Picturing him in a hot dog eating contest.
Yes, I LOVE hot dogs. And I LOVE contests (edit: I LOVE winning contests) but the thought of any man shoving 60+ water soaked weiners into their mouths, be he long distance lover or Tom Hardy, makes me instantly less attracted.
5. Picture him squealing like a schoolgirl at the site of a mouse.
Imagining him unable to catch or kill or just rid me somehow of these fictitious critters scampering about in my kitchen because he’s scared really puts a damper on the whole loving his manliness. Yes,I know it’s not the most PC thing to say, but I’m a girl and I like being the girl in the relationship! I need me a Man willing to defend me from all threats, including critters.
Imagining him in acid washed jorts, dropping his 58th soggy hot dog to jump on a chair and yelp over some furry vermin gets me one step closer to cooling down my hots for long distance lover. It may not be logical, or even rational or mature, but, you know what? When your heart misses something it can’t have, sometimes illogical steps must be taken! There is no shame in finding ways to make your brain find your crush less desirable to you until one day, you find that person you never need to get over.