Time

“The trouble is, you think you have time.” Jack Kornfield

I am a procrastinator. Not just on work or chores or my diet, on life. On the big things. This is mainly because I am scared. I worry that being proactive and going out and getting shit done will mean change, and change? Change is scary. Right now I am comfortable. I have a job that allows me to slowly whittle my way out of debt (and amass closets full of clothes, shoes, and toiletries. Seriously. I may have a toiletries addiction.). I have my little apartment filled with my little things, making me feel all cozy and safe. I have friends and coworkers who might notice if I don’t pop up after a few days, thus ensuring my body will never slowly decompose if I choke on a piece of sesame chicken alone in said apartment. Change means possibly not having a job that allows my toiletries addiction to flourish, packing up and moving all the things that fill my home, and possibly being somewhere new where my life isn’t like Cheers and no one knows my name. SCARY.

But what is worse, being scared or being comfortable?

For the last few years I’ve had this word ‘comfort’ festering around in my brain. Riding the bus down the same block every day to go to work where I do the same things every day…comfort. I see it on every street sign that passes by, it haunts me. Comfort is not what I dreamed of when I was a little girl. I dreamed of adventures and excitement and driving across the country, stopping in small, sleepy towns working as a bartender or at a diner, getting to know the locals and all their stories and finding pieces of myself along the way (okay, maybe I didn’t dream of being a barmaid when I was little, that part was added on later, probably sometime after watching My Blueberry Nights). But when I was little it was easy to have these dreams. I had no bills, no responsibilities. All I had was time to dream.

Well, time is no one’s friend. It is not infinite and it does not stop for us to figure out when it is right for change. I’ve often thought maybe it takes a certain kind of person to get out there and make these changes, to do wild things, and maybe I am just not that type. I’m too Type A. I plan too much. I think too much. I’m too responsible. But then I realize, bullshit. Any person can be the kind of person they want to be, and if that is the type of person who leaves comfort behind for an adventure that is crazy and new, then all it takes a certain kind of balls and the knowledge that time is fleeting. The knowledge that procrastination is not on your side because you may not always have as much time as you think you do.

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Secret Sunday

So this is more of a not-so-secret-Sunday. Last week I wrote about finding music to fit a specific mood and it’s something I’ve been doing for years. Music has always been important to me. It motivates me at the gym, it’s rhythm gets me moving when I need to dance it out, it is loud and fast and hard when I’m working through stressful days, it’s lyrics comfort me when I’m having those nights where I feel like I’m nearing the end of my rope, and more often than not, it’s my road trip companion, never complaining when I sing too loud and slightly off key.

Most days I just throw my iPod on shuffle, but lately I’ve been listening to one specific playlist. It’s twenty or so songs that are getting me through this time of transition, this uncomfortable time when so many things are changing and so many changes need to be made and I find myself stressed and scared and worried I may never achieve all or any of the great ideas I’ve planned for myself all these years and as a person who finds it pretty hard to talk about my doubts and fears, this playlist expresses more than I even know how to express myself. Music has always done that for me, it speaks for me when I cannot. So, I guess this is the “secret” part of Secret Sunday. A few songs from this playlist that are basically a glimpse into where my mind has been for the last few weeks.

1. Storms – Fleetwood Mac

“But never have I been a blue calm sea
I have always been a storm”

Stevie Nicks is one of my all time favorite voices.

2. Die Alone – Ingrid Michaelson

“You make me think that maybe I won’t die alone.”

3. There’s No Way – Sam Bisbee

“I’m sorry I hurt you, forgive me.” 

Sometimes that’s all a girl needs to hear.

4. Skinny Love – Ed Sheeran

“Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?”

I normally prefer originals over covers, but Ed Sheeran’s version of this song sends my heart places.

 

5. Things I Never Needed – Grace Potter & The Nocturnals

“Take away this sense of regret
Take the things I need to forget
Take the mistakes I haven’t made yet
They’re all I have left”

Secret Sunday

1. My favorite movie is Dazed and Confused.

Despite the fashions, I’m almost positive I was meant to live in the 70’s. Also, the movie contains one of my all time favorite lines, “Wipe that face off your head, bitch.”

2. I’m the world’s worst flirt.

Not worst as in I do it way too much and way too shamelessly, worst as in I got no game. Awkward and shy does not a great flirter make!

3. I don’t like karaoke…

…so much as I adore it! I won’t be winning The Voice anytime soon, but this girl does love to sing. My go-to song is Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself for Loving You.”

4. One of my biggest fears is caves.

It combines the two things I’m most frightened of, the dark and tight spaces. You won’t catch me spelunking anytime soon. (On a related note, I’m currently watching The Descent and I still maintain that it is the scariest movie ever made.)

5. My newest dream job is a Music Supervisor.

Aside from the fact that being paid to listen to music sounds amazing, I frequently find myself looking for the perfect song to fit how I’m feeling and, not to brag, but I’m pretty dang good at it, so I’m quite positive I would be great at doing the same thing for my favorite TV characters.

Over It

I know this is not breaking news, but getting over a crush is not easy. Okay, for some people, people with a mindset and will power far beyond me, it is, and I envy those people. It would be fabulous to be able to say ‘Oh you don’t return my feelings? Well I’m fabulous, so peace out muthafucka, I’m over it!’, but for most of us, it just isn’t that easy. When you’re crushing on someone, whether it’s one of those unrequited, never explored loves, or it’s the person you’ve been dating and are swooning for, but for some reason the swooning goes unreturned, there’s usually good, solid reasons why you are crushing on them. And it’s crazy difficult to make those reasons just disappear no matter how many times you tell yourself it just ain’t gonna work out. I know lately the logic part of my brain is constantly reminding me my crush is no good for me due to the miles that seperate us, oh and that pesky fact that his crush on me seems to be waning, but I still get these flutters when I think about said crush’s perfect mix of manliness, smarts, and sensitivity and his complete lack of chicken legs and his arms that are like whoa and his expert status in the art of throwdown…ohhhh the throwdown. Sorry. I digress. See? It’s not easy! Getting over this crush is not as easy as telling myself I should. Even just writing a few words about him sends my mind into a tizzy! So, if you are like me and aren’t one of those steadfast people who can just say they’re over it and damn if they aren’t over it, then how do you get yourself, well…over it?

I’m sure a logical person would say things like “Go to the gym, those endorphins will get you feeling better in no time.” Or, “Focus on you! Use the time you would spend thinking about this person thinking about yourself and what you can do to improve your life.” Or even, “Focus on others. Get out there and volunteer!” And, yes, these are all great suggestions. For logical people. Me? Most times, I’m not so logical. So far the best, albeit non-logical, advice I’ve heard is this; “The easiest way to get over a crush is to picture them on rollerblades.” FANTASTIC! Why have I never thought of this trick before? Even long distance lover’s well muscled legs can’t keep me twitterpated when I imagine them in, gasp, rollerblades!

Yes, there are truly logical and healthy ways to get your mind off of a person, but sometimes, when all those logical ways fail you, you just have to fake it until you make it. Sometimes you just have to trick your brain into forgetting about all those dreamy qualities and replacing them with less sexy and appealing thoughts until you truly do feel over them, or as some might tell you, under someone new. So here are some of the ways I’m faking it until I make it…

1. Picture him doing the deed with Rihanna.

Yeah, I know, picturing the person who gets you hot and bothered getting hot and bothered with someone else seems like a weird way to make yourself feel good about getting over them, but really, Rihanna? You know your dreamlover is walking away with some sort of nastiness after a roll in the hay with her (sorry, Rihanna lovers, she may get our booties shakin in the club but you can’t deny, girl is seems durrrrty).

2. Jorts.

Every time I picture long distance lover’s lovely non-chicken legs, I try to make myself picture them in jorts (and on the days when I’m really pining for him, I imagine them to be jorts with jewel encrusted patterns bedazzling the butt pockets) and damnit if they aren’t getting less and less attractive every time I think of it! The same can be said for Ed Hardy shirts. Suddenly his sexy torso does nothing for me when encased in a shirt worn by Pauly D.

3. Telling me he doesn’t like TV.

Anytime I think of all the things we have in common and all our easy conversations I just imagine him dropping in this bomb and my horrified reaction. It goes a little something like this:

“Oh long distance lover, you’re just the greatest! I can’t believe we love reading and both want to live on boats and like all these randoms bands! I bet you also think Happy Endings is hilarious and are ready for it to be back on like I am!”

“No, not really. I don’t watch TV.”

Cut to me spit-taking my wine, falling to my knees, my hands raised to the heavens, and releasing a dramatic cry:

“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

4. Picturing him in a hot dog eating contest.

Yes, I LOVE hot dogs. And I LOVE contests (edit: I LOVE winning contests) but the thought of any man shoving 60+ water soaked weiners into their mouths, be he long distance lover or Tom Hardy, makes me instantly less attracted.

5. Picture him squealing like a schoolgirl at the site of a mouse.

Imagining him unable to catch or kill or just rid me somehow of these fictitious critters scampering about in my kitchen because he’s scared really puts a damper on the whole loving his manliness. Yes,I know it’s not the most PC thing to say, but I’m a girl and I like being the girl in the relationship! I need me a Man willing to defend me from all threats, including critters.

Imagining him in acid washed jorts, dropping his 58th soggy hot dog to jump on a chair and yelp over some furry vermin gets me one step closer to cooling down my hots for long distance lover. It may not be logical, or even rational or mature, but, you know what? When your heart misses something it can’t have, sometimes illogical steps must be taken! There is no shame in finding ways to make your brain find your crush less desirable to you until one day, you find that person you never need to get over.

Secret Sunday

1. I am weird about blood and guts.

When it comes to movies or tv shows, the gorier, the better. Nothing makes me squeal when I’m watching it on screen. In fact, I sometimes think I probably seem like a creep when I’m in the theatre for a horror flick because I often find myself laughing at mass amounts of fake blood or intestines spewing out of a slashed open stomach. But, in real life? Please get me as far away from blood as possible. SO not a fan.

2. I really want a wedding.

Being at my cousin’s wedding last night made me realize how much I want to have a wedding. Not because, as a family friend put it, it’s time for me to get married off already. No, more because I’m just dying to have a big, fancy party where I get to wear a fabulous dress and everyone is there to celebrate ME! (Okay, and likely the man I am marrying.) Also, the prospect of cake and dancing and lots of booze and all sorts of fun presents is very enticing. But, as I am not engaged, nor even in a serious relationship at the moment, this big ol party probably isn’t happening anytime soon, so I will have to settle for a big ol 30th birthday bash.

3. I am terrified of moths.

Pretty much all bugs that have wings and can fly around your face and harass you, even pretty little butterflies (and yes, this fear did not stop me from getting a butterfly tattoo when I turned 18. Young and dumb, don’t judge.).

4. I have a crush on Dexter.

Yes, Michael C. Hall is an attractive guy and seems cool enough, but it’s not him I’m crushing on. No, is the homicidal blood spatter expert he plays on TV I’m really fond of. Does this make me weird? Like those weirdos who are in love with Charles Manson? Or is Dexter officially the one exception to the rule on liking serial killers?

5. I also have an insane crush on Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy.

And he is quite violent as well. Hmm… Maybe I need to rethink my fictional crushes, I’m starting to sense a pattern here!