What I Like About Me

As some of you may know, I am critical. Yes, I can be a judge-y, snarky, bitch (with a heart of gold, I promise!). Usually just internally, but I have been known to let my criticism fly a time or two. The thing most of you don’t know is the person I am most critical of is myself. I have always been this way, judging myself far more harshly than any outsider could. And it’s not just the general ‘oh I could stand to work out a little more, go out for pizza a little less, save more, spend less, help the needy, think less of myself’ type judging. More like, ‘my sneeze is weird, my cuticles are always a mess, I still suck at walking in heels, I sound like I’m twelve when I speak on the phone, my ears are slightly uneven, the way I part my hair isn’t flattering my face to it’s fullest potential, I never eat enough vegetables and suck at staying on a diet, my closet needs major help from Clinton Kelly and Stacy London, I loathe my unsightly cellulite, my posture is atrocious…’ type judging. Yes, it goes there. Now, I’m not like this all the time. If I was it’s likely I’d never leave my bed and let another person lay eyes on me again. Most days I’m your average girl who has worries of misplaced bangs, but, in general, is feelin’ pretty a-ok. The exception to this though is when I am going through a weird guy-situation (or work or friend or family sitch, right now it just happens to be a guy). When these weird guy-situations arise, like when one is sending mixed signals and, on the whole, making you feel like he’s lost interest (just an example), these criticisms can take me over. I become the poster child for self doubt. This isn’t my favorite part of myself, but it’s something I’ve been working on since I realized what was up. Most days when I catch myself going to the dark pit of despair where all confidence is killed upon entry, I give myself a minute or two to indulge in it, and then I tell myself to “snap out of it!” (ala Cher in Moonstruck, of course). But some days, well some days that minute or two turns into me, eight hours later, hidden under my sheets, face buried under a pillow, tissues littering my bedside table, and a Sara Bareilles/Cat Power one-two punch to the tear factories in my eyes playlist put on repeat. Like I said, this isn’t my favorite part of myself. Maybe it’s from being so introspective. Maybe I just tend to take on whatever is going wrong, internalize it, and pick myself apart until I can figure out what it is I did to cause said situation, when, in all likeliness, it’s nothing I did at all. Or, if it is something I did, say I’m in this weird guy-situation now because of making myself too available (again, just an example), that probably has nothing to do with the size of my thighs and why working out only seems to make them rounder. On those days where a minute or two turns into an all consuming self doubt decathlon it can sometimes feel impossible to brush the dirt off my shoulders and return to normal. It’s hard to reason with a judging-frenzied brain, especially when tears and sad girl playlists get involved. So. How can I get myself to pull back the covers of my confidence killing cocoon, turn off the sad girl playlist, stop wasting time on negative thoughts and go out and make the most of life? Well, right now, this is my only thought…

Like I said, most days I’m just your average girl with average worries of pants feeling a little too snug and hair falling flat halfway through the day, but, in general, I’m feeling good. But once and awhile, on the most magical of days when all the stars align I don’t just feel good, I feel GREAT. We’ve all had these days. Maybe you wake up feeling that way or you get your favorite outfit on, but whatever it is, you look in the mirror and just say “Damn girl, you fly!” Yes, these way above average days are rare for me, but I’ve had them. I’m not currently having one (read: weird guy-situation lurking) but I can recall the feeling well enough to put it on paper – or blog. On these heavenly days I feel so very certain of what I like about me. I’m loyal. Maybe even a little too loyal, but I like that people can know that once I’m on your side, I’m on your side. I have eyelashes for days that do not require mascara. I have an awesome balance of being a girly-girl and a guy’s-girl. I like sports and action movies and camping and most other things dude-related, but I still love to whip up some home cookin’ for a boy, get dressed up, get my nails did, and dish celebrity gossip over mimosas. I read interesting books, am always on the lookout for good, new music, love going to art galleries, and generally, try and keep myself pretty cultured. I’m funny, but not to the point where I always have to be “on” and telling jokes. My body is far from perfect, but I actually kinda dig that I look like a woman and not a ten year old boy and think that there are probably a good handful of men out there who appreciate the same thing (no offense to my friends/readers without the curves, because your bodies are beautiful, too!). I love my laugh when I’m really laughing. It feels good in my stomach and my cheeks and I love that it’s so loud people wonder what I’m laughing at, but not loud enough to be annoyed by it. I love that I’m organized and attentive and try hard at work, even when I don’t love my job. And you know what? It may not be the best “move” when starting up with a new man, but I like that I made myself available to someone. That despite my fears, I didn’t close myself off to someone because there was a possibility of ending up in a weird guy-situation and having a day (or, okay, this whole last weekend) where I doubted myself and laid in bed and listened to sad songs. So, the next time I am in the shameful cutting-myself-to-the-quick spiral, I will pull up this entry and remind myself that there are things I like about myself so much, I just had to let the world see. And that I am a pretty spectacular and worthwhile person, and any guy/job/friend that makes me feel otherwise doesn’t suddenly make me less spectacular, and, someday, there will be a guy/job/friend out there that appreciates everything I appreciate in myself…and, quite possibly, more.

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2 thoughts on “What I Like About Me

  1. My daughter is spectacular! Thalia, you are all that you said and more. I love you, respect you and can’t wait to have some belly laughs with you in KC!

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