The Art of Letting Go

I’m a control freak.

Just slightly.

Ok, maybe more than slightly, but less than full on freak about my need for control. From 1-10 on the controlling scale, I’d say I’m about a 6.5. I don’t necessarily feel the need to control others around me (though sometimes, God would I love to.) but I have a hard time not feeling in control of myself and my surroundings. I will make lists for myself, planning out days, even weekends, even trips, so I can ensure I get everything I need/want to done and maximize my time. This isn’t necessarily my favorite characteristic about myself, but it makes for good balance in my social circle since most other people are more of the go-with-the-flow gals. We balance each other out and it works. In fact, I suppose I rather like knowing if people need things planned, they will come to me. So why isn’t this my favorite trait, you may ask? Simple. Having control over what I’m doing from 12pm-2:30pm this Tuesday is easy enough. Having control over feelings though? That is HARD and, unfortunately, I crave control over not just one part of my life, but all parts.

I am an emotional person (see secret 3 in my last post). I always have been, and, unless I start downing zombie-like drugs (or become a zombie myself in the looming apocalypse) it’s likely I always will be. I feel things deeply, and this has always terrified me. If I feel strongly enough about a person, it’s likely I may let my mind run rampant and do irrational things (more than likely, since this has already happened in past relationships. Cut to: 19 year old Thalia showing up at her on-again, off-again boyfriend’s house, a hot, teary mess, yelling about how he’ll never find anyone like me with his mother in the very next room, her opinion of me lowering by the second {yes, this was too pitiful to be included in Secret Sunday}). Irrational things scare me. Being so out of control with my emotions SCARES ME. I have a suspicion most people feel pretty similarly on this topic. I would assume most people are at least a little terrified of feeling so deeply about something or someone they just can’t control themselves. But what I want to know is, how do people deal with this?

I’m at a crossroads in life. After opening up completely to someone, after relinquishing total control, I found myself on the losing end of a break up. This is why I need total control, I told myself day after day. But deep down, I know this isn’t a winning strategy. In order to remain in total control of my emotions, of how much or how little I give to someone and feel about someone, I will be keeping a part of myself behind lock and key, and isn’t the whole part of feeling deeply for someone not having to keep any part of yourself hidden from them?

So here I am again. Finding myself on the verge of feeling deeply enough for someone that all the control I’ve regained of my emotions is chipping away. This is my crossroads. How do I allow myself to have these feelings without completely freaking out when I catch myself losing control? How do I not shut myself off from this person when I start to get nervous when it takes him too long to text back and I get a little peeved/worried he’s losing interest and then realize I must be gaining more interest than think I should be giving and only after this little spaz out do I realize here I am again, lowering from a 6.5 to a -2 on the control scale.

I picked a few friend’s brains about this and so far I’m getting a lot of “Just let go. Worry less about this and just see what happens.”. Say WHAT? Do you know how much that advice pains a control freak?! I mean, I see where they are coming from. People I ask advice of are people that only want the best for me, so maybe, just maybe, letting go is what’s best for me and as outsiders they can see this in a way I cannot. But, holy shit. Just let go?! Talk about terrifying. Control is to me what rope and carabiners are to rock climbers. My whole life I’ve climbed with this equipment and now, what, you’re telling me I need to throw caution to the wind and just let go?! Surely there must be some class I can take, to ease from one way of living to the other. Please, someone tell me that there is a class, The Art of Letting Go 101, because this crossroads is real and is demanding more and more attention as my feelings for this person grow.

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