The Oh-No-No’s List


Right there with ya, Tom.

The Oh-No-No’s. Everyone’s got them. Whether it’s something as fundamental as religion or politics, or something trivial like preferring grape jelly to cherry jam on your morning toast, there are dealbreakers in every relationship. Now, from reading my previous posts you may be thinking to yourself ‘Camo! Camo has got to be the dealbreaker!’ Well, you’d be thinking wrong. If I’m truly into a guy he can get away with a lot fashion wise and I’ll be smitten just the same. (Trust me. I once had a guy I was dating wear {lightly} plaid printed pants with a striped shirt to a work soiree, and I was still pleased as pie to have him as my date for the evening.) I try not to have any Oh-No-No’s related to fashion because it is an ever evolving part of one’s self (and, honestly, if a guy is wearing something you truly hate, it’s pretty dang easy to get him to stop wearing it. Ladies, we do have this power.). Instead, my Oh-No-No’s are a random mish-mashing of odd (and truly not odd…come on, being ultra conservative? What liberal person wouldn’t have that on their list?) things that can make me run from a person fast enough to leave a cartoon dust cloud in my wake. So here it is. The official Thalia’s Oh-No-No’s List:

1. Right Wing Nut Jobs

Ok, being Republican is one thing. One thing I can deal with if need be. But, if Ann Coulter is your dream woman, you are not the man me for me.

2. Chain smokers

3. Addictions of any sort

The only thing you should be addicted to is me.

4. Being addicted to me

In reference to number 3, just kidding. Please, do not be addicted to me. I’ve been there, done that in a relationship and it was bad news. Please, have your own life, your own friends, your own need for “me time,” because I sure as shit have a need for my “me time” as well.

5. Chronic misuse of its/it’s, they’re/their/there, effect/affect, our/are, etc

Yes, mistakes are easily made when you are, say, drunk texting at 1am, but please don’t make a habit of this. Also, please never send me this text, “wat u up 2 2nte sxy,” because I can promise you, it will never be answered.

6. Foot fetish

7. Not loving Parks & Rec/30 Rock/Friday Night Lights/Saturday Night Live/Dexter/Sons of Anarchy

 Ok, you don’t have to love these shows, but if it is raining out and we both have the day off, at least humor me with a TV marathon/cuddle day.

8. Inability to take a joke/tell a joke/laugh at my jokes

Life is way too hard to not just laugh it out as often as possible.

9. Never saying “Bless you” when I sneeze

True, maybe my heart doesn’t really need blessing for the few nano-seconds it stops while I sneeze, but if you can’t even say this, it leads me to believe you also won’t be there to pour me some OJ or fetch me some Advil while I’m sick. And yes, never taking care of me when I’m sick is a one way ticket to Dumpsville.

10. Don’t ever, under any circumstances, try and make me call you “Daddy.”


Stop the Hate. Congratulate.

While perusing one of my favorite gossip sites, I came across a link to this article. I won’t post it here, because, honestly, I don’t think it deserves being mentioned anymore. Never had I heard of this site before. I assumed there are sites out there like this, because, as a society, we are extremely rigid on the idea of beauty, and, let’s face it, people can really be mean. Reading just one article on this disgusting blog, just one, had me livid for most of the day. Even now, a day later, I’m seething thinking about the young girls who will read this blog, think A) you MUST be a certain size to be beautiful and B) it is okay to rip a woman apart for not being that certain size.

Seriously, seething.

I think about my niece, I think about my cousin’s young daughters, hell, I think about myself 15 years ago, and know how hard it is being force fed and idea of beauty. Women, and yes, even men, are literally killing themselves every year to meet these standards because, no matter how subtle, there is definitely a bad vibe being put out in our society and it is this: if you don’t meet society’s “norm,” you are not worthy.

I have struggled with self esteem issues my whole life. I look back at teenage me and can see that I’ve grown. I’m more accepting of who I am now, but I’m still not 100% there. But, I can pinpoint some pretty specific reasons as to why I’ve always struggled with this, and sure enough, most of them come from the media.

Even as a child watching Disney fairytales I was treated to the beautiful princesses, or the ugly ducklings that are secretly beautiful swans. The ugly duckling story is my favorite, and it isn’t just in fairytales. I can’t count how many movies, shows, books, whatever, I consumed growing up that had a heroine that was, well, less than. Less than everyone else in some form. But, as soon as the makeover occurs good things happen for her, usually ultimately ending in her finding love. Hooray! You’ve become physically acceptable to the masses, now here’s your reward!

Well, as I started going through my awkward pre-teen years, my makeover never happened. I was at an awkward weight, had awkward hair, had awkward skin, and good lord, did I have awkward clothes, so I began to feel convinced nothing good would ever happen for me. I wasn’t “beautiful,” so I wasn’t worthy. I can remember months upon months around 7th and 8th grade where I would be so severe with my food intake, because God forbid I not look like the girl on the cover of Seventeen, that I would just lay in bed crying because I felt so sick and so sad. I rarely talk about that time in my life because I used to feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I had to do that to myself. But now? Now I’m just angry.

I’m angry just typing this. I’m angry I ever bought into it. I’m angry there are still people out there feeding into this so that more young kids will be buying into this as well. Most of all I’m angry there is no quick fix. Magazines won’t suddenly start showing models of all sizes. Movies won’t suddenly start featuring size 12 women who don’t go on crazy diets and transform before they find their happiness. Snarky assholes on the internet won’t stop writing about how Model A is a “fat pig” and Actress B should be “put on a fat farm” (actual words from the website). And more than anything, people who are struggling with their own self esteem likely won’t stop putting other people down in order to feel a little better about themselves. I will be the first to admit, I know I’ve been guilty of doing it, especially to other women. And, I know this isn’t a quick fix, or will even make a big change in the grand scheme of things, but this is what I’m going to do…

I’m done putting down other women because of how they look (but, don’t get me wrong, if they have asshole personalities, it’s likely I still may make a comment on that because there’s nothing cool about being an asshole). If I hear other women putting down another woman, I’m going to say something about it (like, “Stop being an asshole.”). And the next time someone makes a negative comment about my appearance, (because, yes, at almost 30, this still happens. It doesn’t just happen in middle school and high school. Grown women {and men} are still making comments like “That dress looks a little tight on you, you going a little heavy on the ice cream lately?”) I will stand up for myself and say “STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE! My body is not perfect, I still have awkward hair days, awkward skin days and awkward clothes days, but I’m trying to be happy with myself, so stop the hate and congratulate…ASSHOLE. “

And a Happy International Kissing Day to all!

July 6th. International Kissing Day. Crash Davis says it best in (one of my favorite) movies, Bull Durham,

“I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.”

According to the brains behind Wikipedia, “the idea behind the International Kissing Day is that many people may have forgotten the simple pleasures associated with kissing for kissing’s sake, as opposed to kissing as mere social formality or prelude to other activities. Kissing can be an enjoyable experience in and of itself. It is an expression and experience of intimacy.” and honestly, I couldn’t agree more. Just reading that I think back to the time when kissing was IT. It was the end all be all. Being in my very first club on my very first trip abroad, talking to my very first dreamy Italian boy, half deciphering what he was saying and half wondering ‘is this it? Will I finally be kissed?’. Leaving the Halloween party freshman year with all my friends racing behind me, “Did you kiss him?!”. Celebrating my first New Years with friends and knowing at midnight there may be a kiss besides that of a relative drunkenly planting one on my cheek. Before kissing became the prelude to other activities, when the kiss in itself was enough excitement to fill hours worth of gossip with friends, when it was significant. A kiss can hold so much. A kiss can feel like possibility or pain or joy or lust or anger. Think about it, have you ever kissed someone and felt absolutely nothing at all? Even my worst, sloppiest, non-zsa zsa zu-y kisses have made me feel at least a little something (usually bad things, but still, feelings nontheless!).

Now I won’t be running out causing a kissing ruckus simply because it is International Kissing Day. That just ain’t my style. Instead, I will revel in my last kiss, because it was a great kiss. Not the perfect, sweep you off your feet because your knees are so goddamn weak afterward, but just perfect in so many other ways. We are at the airport. He’s leaving, I’m staying. I’m wishing he wouldn’t leave, I’m wishing we had more time, I’m wishing we had time for forty kisses instead of just two. But we kissed goodbye, and as I kissed him, I knew I’d miss him. Maybe it’s because the kiss was filled with longing and hope that maybe we could have more of these or maybe it’s because feeling so much kissing him gave me hope that finally, after months of being heartbroken, I will feel these feelings again. Either way, out there on the passenger drop off, my heart was pounding from the simple pleasures associated with a kiss.