I was in high school the first time I had my heart broken. It was young love, first love, sweet love, true love and when it ended I thought no other type of relationship will ever break my heart as much as romantic relationships do. This? This is the worst it’ll ever get. No person will ever break my heart the way a guy I’m dating can.
10 years later I realized this is not true.
Friendships are some of the deepest, most loving and gratifying relationships a person can enter into. And potentially, the most heartbreaking.
I’ve been lucky enough, despite moving around a lot when I was younger, to be a part of some amazing long term friendships. Some are just friendly-friendships, some are more go-out-and-have-fun-friendships, and, luckily, there are a few that are first-call-friendships, those people you know you can call anytime, whether it’s just to get wardrobe advice or to have them come bail you out of jail (should that ever be the case…). These people, people I’ve now spent years with, some even lived with, getting to know everything about, going on trips with, spending holidays with, having crazy dance parties with, they are some of the most important people in my life.
Knowing that, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that a girl has the potential to break my heart more than any guy ever could.
It’s like every break up. You see each other for the first time in months and a million different reactions are triggered. You want to run up and hug them and go straight into your favorite inside joke. You want to run up and slap them and ask how they could hurt you so badly. You want to indulge in the tears you feel emerging and ask what you did to make the relationship not work. You feel jealousy when you see them there with the new people in their lives. You feel anger that they aren’t running up to you and saying how terrible they feel for not talking to you in six months for unknown reasons. But mostly, you just feel sad.
You feel sad thinking about the years you two lived together and all the details you shared with them that no one else is privy to. You think about the hundreds of fun nights you had, but also all the bad nights you shared together, relying on each other to get through them all. You think about the time when you needed them most, when you really needed them to be that first-call-friendship, and they just stopped being that person for you. You think about all that and wonder what happened to the last nine years? And just like that, your heart breaks harder than ever before.
The only good part of losing a friend is looking around and seeing the ones you still have by your side, helping you get through this new kind of heartbreak.