People, we have a problem…

There are truly many unpunished crimes happening in the world. Some petty, some more severe. But there is one that I can just no longer stand to let go unnoticed.
Yes. I am talking about crimes of fashion.
Fashion crimes happen every day. No community is truly safe (well, perhaps a nudist colony. A fashion faux pas would be hard to come across in that setting) and while the fashion police are out there, it is hard to stay vigilant with so many crimes being committed on a daily basis.
I will be the first to admit, I’m no angel myself. I have sinned once or twice in my lifetime, sporting oversized men’s t shirts, short shorts, giant tube socks, and sneakers for almost the entire summer before 7th grade (this was nothing compared to the floral leggings, oversized tops, and matching floral scrunchie phase of ’91. Yes, oversized tops, I’m seeing a pattern here). But I’ve worked diligently to reform and become an upstanding member of the fashion community. And while I have not been formally deputized as part of the fashion police, I am not afraid to point out a crime in progress when I see it.
So please, men and women of the world (and men and women dressing the children of the world), PLEASE take note of the most egregious of these crimes and maybe together we can put a stop to this madness.
1. Sandals and socks
Face it, this could be
anyone’s father…

Yes, summer is near. Your feet are feeling a little frisky and hoping to get some sandal action in soon. Well people, if your feet are not sandal ready and need to be encased by socks in order to put said sandals on…DO NOT WEAR SANDALS! Stick to close-toed shoes. You are doing yourself, and those looking at you, a favor. The worst of this offense is the sandal, sock, shorts combination. Man, woman, or child, you are doing nothing to help the illusion of a long and lean leg by cutting your calf of with a sock and, at the same time, cutting your thigh off with a short. Seriously, what about this is appealing? Answer: NOTHING.

2. Rompers, short shorts, onesies, micro minis and other items that do not cover an adequate amount of leg.
Just say no to camel toe.
Speaking of summer and ways to avoid the heat…Shorts. Skirts. Dresses. All items acceptable to assist in beating soaring tempatures. Ladies, I know some of you have amahzing legs, and yes, as a woman who isn’t totally in love with her gams, perhaps I’m just a touch jealous. But, not jealous enough to allow these half pants to keep running rampant. Just because Forever 21/H&M/Charlotte Russe decides to put out these items of clothing does NOT mean that they need to purchased and introduced into the general public. And parents, for Pete’s sake, please start ensuring that at least ALL of your daughter’s buttcheek is covered before leaving the house. Unless it is a swimming suit (and for some women, even a lengthy swimming suit bottom should be put into use) the 3-4 inches past your butt cheek should be covered at all times. It is a mere 4 inches…I think it’s okay to leave at least that much to the imagination.
3. Jorts
Is this the outfit
of your dream man?
While we are on the shorts-related subject, let’s discuss jorts. Yes, men’s jean shorts. Never has a man’s leg garments turned me off so quickly. Whether it be far too short cut-off’s or far too long ass-sagging ankle shorts, a man should really do his best to avoid all forms of denim short pants. If it’s not a full length jean, please, avoid denim on your lower half at all costs, men of the world. You will only end up looking like one of these fools…
 4. Denim on denim.
No, even JT can’t work this.
And on the topic of this rugged cotton twill we have one of the top offenses, in my book. Denim on denim. If you are not the Marlboro Man out on his ranch wranglin’ up cattle, there is truly no reason for a denim on denim combo. It’s as easy as this; if you are wearing jeans, put on a white cotton shirt. If you are wearing a jean shirt (I slightly cringe as I type this) wear a nice khaki short. If you feel the need to jump back in time to a Bon Jovi concert circa 1988 and slip on a super hot jean jacket, pair it with a fitted black cotton dress. Oh, and people? Wearing two, or even three, different washes of denim isn’t fooling anyone. This is not a look to force upon the public’s eye.
 5. Camo
This photo comes from a site called “Elegant
Wedding Concepts” because, yes, nothing screams
elegance like matching camo…
And on things being forced to be seen, we have my most heinous offense: CAMO. Sir in the camo hat, camo tshirt, and camo cargo shorts? You ARE NOT rendering yourself invisible. In no way will wearing those items enable you to sneak past security, on into the ladies locker room for a lookie-loo. We see you. We see you, and we LAUGH. And other sir, the one also in head to toe camo for “hunting purposes”? In no way is that get up helping you blend into the wild anymore than, say, a solid brown pants and a solid green shirt would. No deer is walking around out there, looking at a man wearing to solid, neutral colors saying, “Look at this asshole! He’s NOT wearing CAMO! Doesn’t he know I can see him pointing that giant rifle at me?!”.
I’d like to put this challenge out there to everyone…
If you ever happen to see a person walking down the street wearing crocs sandals, socks, denim short shorts, a camo shirt, and an acid wash jean jacket, PLEASE make a citizen’s arrest. You are doing it for the good of mankind!

     * A side note here, if you are in fact in head to toe camo because you are a part of one of the  branches of the armed forces, I thank you greatly for putting on said camo every day and going out there and doing what you do so I may sit here and have the freedom to rant and rave over such trivial things such as fashion.

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