People, we have a problem…

There are truly many unpunished crimes happening in the world. Some petty, some more severe. But there is one that I can just no longer stand to let go unnoticed.
Yes. I am talking about crimes of fashion.
Fashion crimes happen every day. No community is truly safe (well, perhaps a nudist colony. A fashion faux pas would be hard to come across in that setting) and while the fashion police are out there, it is hard to stay vigilant with so many crimes being committed on a daily basis.
I will be the first to admit, I’m no angel myself. I have sinned once or twice in my lifetime, sporting oversized men’s t shirts, short shorts, giant tube socks, and sneakers for almost the entire summer before 7th grade (this was nothing compared to the floral leggings, oversized tops, and matching floral scrunchie phase of ’91. Yes, oversized tops, I’m seeing a pattern here). But I’ve worked diligently to reform and become an upstanding member of the fashion community. And while I have not been formally deputized as part of the fashion police, I am not afraid to point out a crime in progress when I see it.
So please, men and women of the world (and men and women dressing the children of the world), PLEASE take note of the most egregious of these crimes and maybe together we can put a stop to this madness.
1. Sandals and socks
Face it, this could be
anyone’s father…

Yes, summer is near. Your feet are feeling a little frisky and hoping to get some sandal action in soon. Well people, if your feet are not sandal ready and need to be encased by socks in order to put said sandals on…DO NOT WEAR SANDALS! Stick to close-toed shoes. You are doing yourself, and those looking at you, a favor. The worst of this offense is the sandal, sock, shorts combination. Man, woman, or child, you are doing nothing to help the illusion of a long and lean leg by cutting your calf of with a sock and, at the same time, cutting your thigh off with a short. Seriously, what about this is appealing? Answer: NOTHING.

2. Rompers, short shorts, onesies, micro minis and other items that do not cover an adequate amount of leg.
Just say no to camel toe.
Speaking of summer and ways to avoid the heat…Shorts. Skirts. Dresses. All items acceptable to assist in beating soaring tempatures. Ladies, I know some of you have amahzing legs, and yes, as a woman who isn’t totally in love with her gams, perhaps I’m just a touch jealous. But, not jealous enough to allow these half pants to keep running rampant. Just because Forever 21/H&M/Charlotte Russe decides to put out these items of clothing does NOT mean that they need to purchased and introduced into the general public. And parents, for Pete’s sake, please start ensuring that at least ALL of your daughter’s buttcheek is covered before leaving the house. Unless it is a swimming suit (and for some women, even a lengthy swimming suit bottom should be put into use) the 3-4 inches past your butt cheek should be covered at all times. It is a mere 4 inches…I think it’s okay to leave at least that much to the imagination.
3. Jorts
Is this the outfit
of your dream man?
While we are on the shorts-related subject, let’s discuss jorts. Yes, men’s jean shorts. Never has a man’s leg garments turned me off so quickly. Whether it be far too short cut-off’s or far too long ass-sagging ankle shorts, a man should really do his best to avoid all forms of denim short pants. If it’s not a full length jean, please, avoid denim on your lower half at all costs, men of the world. You will only end up looking like one of these fools…
 4. Denim on denim.
No, even JT can’t work this.
And on the topic of this rugged cotton twill we have one of the top offenses, in my book. Denim on denim. If you are not the Marlboro Man out on his ranch wranglin’ up cattle, there is truly no reason for a denim on denim combo. It’s as easy as this; if you are wearing jeans, put on a white cotton shirt. If you are wearing a jean shirt (I slightly cringe as I type this) wear a nice khaki short. If you feel the need to jump back in time to a Bon Jovi concert circa 1988 and slip on a super hot jean jacket, pair it with a fitted black cotton dress. Oh, and people? Wearing two, or even three, different washes of denim isn’t fooling anyone. This is not a look to force upon the public’s eye.
 5. Camo
This photo comes from a site called “Elegant
Wedding Concepts” because, yes, nothing screams
elegance like matching camo…
And on things being forced to be seen, we have my most heinous offense: CAMO. Sir in the camo hat, camo tshirt, and camo cargo shorts? You ARE NOT rendering yourself invisible. In no way will wearing those items enable you to sneak past security, on into the ladies locker room for a lookie-loo. We see you. We see you, and we LAUGH. And other sir, the one also in head to toe camo for “hunting purposes”? In no way is that get up helping you blend into the wild anymore than, say, a solid brown pants and a solid green shirt would. No deer is walking around out there, looking at a man wearing to solid, neutral colors saying, “Look at this asshole! He’s NOT wearing CAMO! Doesn’t he know I can see him pointing that giant rifle at me?!”.
I’d like to put this challenge out there to everyone…
If you ever happen to see a person walking down the street wearing crocs sandals, socks, denim short shorts, a camo shirt, and an acid wash jean jacket, PLEASE make a citizen’s arrest. You are doing it for the good of mankind!

     * A side note here, if you are in fact in head to toe camo because you are a part of one of the  branches of the armed forces, I thank you greatly for putting on said camo every day and going out there and doing what you do so I may sit here and have the freedom to rant and rave over such trivial things such as fashion.

The One.

When does the one stop being The One?
I’m a firm believer that, in this lifetime, there may be many The One’s. Just the amount of people in this world and how much love a person’s heart has to give and how many different things you can love about different people makes me believe that there must be at least of few of them out there. Whether you end up finding those people or not, well, that’s an entirely different story.
I found one.
But, it didn’t work out. The relationship has been over for some time, but more than once I’ve found myself asking, when does the one stop being The One?
My brain is very smart. My brain knows you don’t love me the way I love you. My brain knows you don’t want to be in a serious relationship and I do. My brain knows that even though people may be perfect for each other things still may not work out, that being perfect for each other just isn’t always enough. Yes, my brain knows these things.
My heart doesn’t seem to be as quick on the uptake though.
What my heart knows is this: The way my stomach still goes on a rollercoaster ride when you sit next to me. The way my face hurts after ten minutes of non-stop laughing when we are texting each other. The way I compare every kiss I’ve had since you to the one you gave me after our first date, the one that melted my entire being.
Of course, my brain wants to slap my heart into reality. Damnit, heart, get it together! Start being a little more logical and a little less fanciful,
Yes, all these feelings are there, and they may be for quite some time, but facts are facts…it didn’t, and won’t, work. There is likely someone out there for both of us that will fit what we both want better than either of us did for each other. I may not love that person as much or as deeply, but, then again, maybe I will. I will love them, and, maybe more importantly, they will love me the way I want to be loved. It’s also fact that after months of not talking, we are finally friends. We can spend ten minutes texting each other and laughing to the point of tears and we can sit next to each other and we can have fun again, and it feels wonderful. And for me, there truly is no expectation that this will ever lead to more again, but there it all is…loitering in the back of my heart…he was The One.
Will these lingering feelings fade with (even more) time? Will they change when I finally meet someone that I don’t compare to you? Or, will they always just linger? A question that no one, not even me, can answer…when will he stop being The One?

Happy Birthday Eve (to me)

In 21 hours and 3 minutes I will be 29 years old.

I’ve stared at that sentence for some time now. 29 years old. Age ain’t nothin but a number, right? Mainly, I’m kind of baffled by the number. 29. How did I get here? It seems only yesterday I was turning 18…21…25…now here I am, creeping into my thirties. But, more important than how I got here is, where am I going?
Birthdays have always been kind of a big deal to me. Not in the sense of parties and presents and wild nights out (although, I am quite fond of those things as well), but because I think of birthdays as a new year of you. A rebirth. A time to figure out what didn’t work in the year past and what you hope to make happen in the year coming. Since 30 is a pretty big deal, I think my “new year of me” goals should be a big deal. So, here they go…

1. Travel solo.
As a single gal, I’ve come a long way in terms of doing things on my own. I can go to dinner, see a movie, even grab a drink at a bar. But, the thought of traveling abroad solo kind of freaks me out. Even just flying in the US to meet up with my sister this last weekend gave me a bit of a panic, because unknown airports can be a tricky thing. Just the thought of layovers in Amsterdam or Madrid have me in a sweat. What if I can’t find anyone speaking English? What if I can’t read the signs or some miscreant steals my passport? It’d probably be a million times easier if I had someone there with me to get through it with. Shit, even past the flying, just getting out of the airports and into a cab or train to my hotel in, say, Florence sounds like something I’d really love to have someone navigate for me! But, then I think about waking up and spending my first morning in Signoria Square and knowing the whole day is for me to enjoy, and in that moment, the stress of getting there would all be worth it.

2. Write everyday… Even if it is just a sentence.
I’ve spent years dreaming up stories, creating funny skits, writing screenplays, but somehow, before anything is ever finished, I stop. I can think of nothing better than someone out there reading something I’ve written and feeling the way I feel when I read some of my favorite authors, so it’s time for me to suck it up and get pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard).

3. Do something that scares me.
A little over two years ago I fell in love. And I fell hard. This was pretty unlike me as I had spent years past being pretty protective of my heart after some severe betrayals. But, something happened, and I just let go. I was scared shitless of being hurt again, but every day I was with him, I let myself fall. Unfortunately for me, I did end up being hurt again. The break up was hard. The days and months and now, almost a year after, has been hard. But, in the end, I was proud of myself for taking the chance. Never will I have to look back and say ‘what if?’ because I was too scared to try. So this year I plan on getting scared all over again. I don’t know if it will be falling in love or jumping out of a plane or taking that trip to Italy by myself, but it will be something. And if even if I fall flat on my face (though, hopefully not if it’s the skydiving I end up choosing…I would hope for a more gentle fall…) I will once again be able to look back and high five myself for saying ‘fuck it, let’s do it’.

There’s plenty of little things I could add on here; run a 10k, drive to the Grand Canyon, be more giving, go on a fantastic first date, learn to make sushi, etc etc, but those are the big three to do before I turn the big 3-0.

Of course, birthdays aren’t all for serious reflection time, they are also for this…